A Decade of BFNs

The End is here....for now.

2011-03-06T19:55:00.002-05:00

After three rounds of injects and no BFP, I'm throwing in the towel....for now. I am taking the next two years off from even thinking about baby making to focus solely on me. I need to lose a lot of weight. My health is getting worse..swollen feet, high blood pressure, bad back, bad knee...my body is telling me no more fat! And I have to stop and listen to it for once.

I went to my regular doc on Thursday and had the most embarrassing thing happened to me. The nurse went to weigh me and well...the scale did not go high enough. I was mortified. I feel defeated. I swore I had my weight under control and if i ever wanted to I could lose the weight, but why lose it now b/c if I get pregnant I would put it back on...was my mentality. No more.

She has mentioned weight loss surgery to me more than once, but I am so afraid of dieing on the table. I am so afraid of being that 1 in 2000. But after crying and crying and crying about it, I made a plan. I am going to buy a treadmill, hopefully in the next two weeks. I am going to cut out the 4 worse foods in my life....RICE, BREAD, SUGAR, and PASTA. At least completely in the beginning to help get ride of the cravings and then introduce only whole grains afterward. I am going to try as hard to lose weight as I did to have a baby and if in 6 months I haven't had any progress or enough progress by my standards, then I am going to pursue the surgery.

I am giving myself until my 35th birthday....April 18 2013. I don't want to be a stick, but I want to be able to move, something I've never really done since I have been heavy since I started grade school. 100-150lbs is what I am shooting for. Almost 30 years of bad habits need to change over night, because tomorrow is when I start my mini goal of one week no R B S or P.

I am hoping at the end of all this I not only have a better me, but I have a baby to.

Wish me luck y'all...cuz Imma need all I can get. <3

CD 5

2011-02-05T11:16:00.001-05:00

Well, the last cycle was a bust. My E2 is going wonky and every one panics, but my follie size doesn't coincide w/ it all....I did I=O but I had all the signs...and I keep kicking myself b/c I opted out of an IUI.

The u/s tech said I had a few left over, but the doc wants to go ahead anyway. He was going to do a straight inject cycle but i told im i only have enough for 6 days so then he said ok clomid and follistim i said well i thought we would do just clomid since i am averaging 8 days of follistim and only have 6...he said 200mg of clomid (before it was 250) and he would get me more meds ....I go back on thursday after taking the clomid. I figured if I am gonna get more free meds I am not going to fit the fact I just wanted clomid this month.

Update for JenH and others not on FB

2011-01-16T18:36:00.003-05:00

I took a break from the last loss. I wanted to start back up in September is, but my body had other plans. I spotted for almost a month and when I finally made an appt and went in AF showed the day before. I figured we would get started but the doc wanted me to have a 'real' cycle first.

I'll post what I wrote in my discussion board so I don't miss anything b/c I would type those up right after my appts.

Wrote 11/25/10
Went to RE on Monday (CD4), he put me on 250mg of clomid days 4-8 and 150iu Follistim days 9-10 and back in Monday for u/s....

12/2
Nothing new to report....they couldn't really see my right side, but the left has 2 @ around 9mm, so keep on 150ui and go back monday. ( can't find this post, but they called me after the blood work and told me to come back in 2 days instead)

12/4
hello...just got my hcg shot iui tomorrow its weird bc they had trouble seeing on the u/s but e2 is up n lh is 34 so im surging...ohh n wooo i had ewcm a rarity for me

12/10
Went for my booster shot. Well it turns out my ovaries just felt like not cooperating when it mattered...no problem finding them today. I o'd from 4 on one side and 2 from the other (that I could see her actually measure). Timing is on my side b/c i was supposed to see the Dino doc today and my lovely doc just came in between IVFers, asked me if I had a lot of follies and grabbed my folder, made a face and said no booster, too many follies, so he Rx'd me crinone (finally) for 8 days.

12/17
12dpiui = BFN ...I really wasn't feeling it this month and only tested b/c i had to get a scan of my leg done.

12/19
AF

12/21
well.......i have cysts left over....he said we can check them next week or in two weeks i opted for two weeks so i can get drunk off my butt for NYE....this is the first time i ever had cysts left over....he said bc i dont cycle on my own if things look well in two weeks i can start then. And the best part...i am actually ok with everything

1/3/11
Went for follow up....no more left overs from last month....starting 250 clomid today then shots start on saturday and i go back on Monday.....get this...my BETA from CD 3 was 5.42....i didn't have the heart to ask if it was a chemical or possible left over from the HCG shot which I doubt..... (I started 250mg clomid again for 5 days and then 150 follistim )

1/10
I don't understand why this doc always wants to see me after just two days of injects....but of course there was nothing going on.....just little ones starting to develop ...which is ahead of last time...b/c i had nothing at all after 2 days. stayin'g on 150 and going back on thursday.

1/13
I had 12 and 13 on the right side....3 more days of shots....

1/16
I am so tired of my wacky body. So I went in on Thursday and they said come back Sunday. I had a 12 and 13 on the right. Friday morning, I had EWCM. Last night at 3AM my TMI nips were tingly and I just knew I was in the process of O'ing. I figured, I'd go in today and they would tell me I am ready to pop and tell me to take my HCG tonight. Nope, instead this tech (after doing trans vag and abdominal u/s) says I have 13/14 and something else. My nurse said there's three and I asked her how could the numbers be so low if they were 12/13 3 days ago....she said different techs different measurements. Doc said 2 more nights of follistim and then come back on Tuesday w/ my HCG. On the way to get the HCG I talked it over w/ DH and we decided no IUI b/c 1. our copays went up in the new year and 2. we just shelled out a butt load of cash on Friday to fix the car. We had success in June w/o the IUI so what the hay. So I waited to see if the doc would call me, b/c I just wasn't buying that my follies barely grew b/c my nips are tingly. And at 4pm he finally calls. E2 is 1816, P4 3.5 (so it's starting to rise) and HCG tonight at 8pm DTD next three days. I freaking knew it man. I just feel like I need to be monitored daily once afollie sprouts b/c I like go haywire or something. What also convinced me that I was ready is the last two cycles w/ follistim I need 8 days of shots and yesterday was the 8th day. Sad part, I only have about 6 days worth left. Oh and the doc said the follies were probably in the process of collapsing. So, wish me luck guys!!! lol

And that's where I am right now....eek!!! :)

Death to bloggie

2011-01-14T08:55:00.003-05:00

It's been a while as it always turns out to be whenever I have a loss and go on a break. We started back up and this is my second cycle. I don't visit the blogosphere as I once did. I am a complete and total FACE.BOOK addict!

You can friend me, I keep all my TTC buds in the same list so when I have an update the entire world doesn't see.

http://www.facebook.com/cocolina

Send me a message and let me know who you are.

Baby dust and Sticky sprinkles to all.

Don't really have a title...

2010-07-14T19:17:00.004-04:00

Thank you all for your kind words. I am feeling better, I can walk again and returned to work on Monday. I see the RE on Friday.

Last week I only spotted. I guess b/c I was on bed rest from the fall. But once I got to work I started bleeding, just like an AF. A wave of relief overcame me once I actually started to bleed. I already know the whole spotting for ever ordeal from my 2nd m/c and I don't want to go through that again. I just want to bleed and move on. Sorry if that sounds horrible.

After talking to DH, who finally opened up to me about the losses and why he doesn't get excited when I show him a BFP, we will take the rest of the summer off and start back again in September. The consensus from the few family and friends that know of our journey is I need to live in a bubble or go on immediate bed rest. I don't know if that would help especially that early on, but I don't know what else I can do to help me get to my take home baby. DH wants us to move to a 1st floor apartment so I don't have to worry about stairs. I just don't know.

Do I just have THE worst luck in the world, or is there seriously something wrong w/ me?

I can't believe for a minute, I was ready to throw in the towel. I was ready to say enough, BASTA! But I can't, b/c if I do, then all this would be for nothing. I am not ready to give up on the only dream I have.

?

2010-07-07T16:41:00.003-04:00

Why?

I can't think of anything else but why.

Why me? Why again? Why did I have to go? Why did I have to drink so much water that kept me going back to the bathroom? Why was I so clumsy?

CD 2 ~ I guess...or what would have been 5w3d

2010-07-06T14:42:00.002-04:00

I fell. I slipped on a stupid lil rug in my Sister in laws bathroom on Sunday. I slipped and fell and thought I just fucked up my knee. I lost my baby too.

20dpo aka 4w6d

2010-07-02T12:54:00.002-04:00

Yesterday's Beta was 891. That's a 1.92 doubling time. Only issues is my P4, it went back down to 12. I am taking 500mgs of progesterone now.

I am so trying to forget that I am. It's hard when your boobs hurt like hell and every smell in the world is horrible. OMG!!! I am trying not to puke.

I am not sure if you come back after you comment and read the comments, but I wanted to thank all you ladies for showing your support. I don't get a chance to read my subscribed to blogs as much as I used to, but I want you to know that I am thinking of you too.

U/S on Tuesday. I took the day off.

17dpo aka 4w3d

2010-06-29T09:48:00.002-04:00

My beta on 12dpo was 48 and progesterone was 11. I was already on 200mg of prometrium so they upped it to 400mg. I went back in on 16dpo and my beta was 306 and progesterone increased to 16. I go back in on 4w5d aka 19dpo. I am still scared sh*tless. I still can't let myself get excited. I want to enjoy this so so so much, but my heart won't allow me.

CD30 ~ 12dpo

2010-06-24T08:08:00.002-04:00

This was yesterday's.....

This was today's......

Holding my breath until after the beta.

CD 23 ~ 5dpo

2010-06-17T08:21:00.002-04:00

OK so I know I missed recording a lot.

Obviously last cycle was a bust.

This cycle I took 250mg of C.lomid from CD 4-8 went in for a scan, had nothing and then used up the last of my 500IU G.onal-F and F.ollistim combo. Went back for a scan and still had nothing dominant. I told them I didn't have any more med and the lovely nurse went in the back and came out w/ (2) 600IU Follistim boxes. I was so thankful.

That was a Monday. I went back that Thursday and 8 follies on one side 9 on the other but nothing over 12mm. My E2 was at 2000 and LH was at 24 so they told me to only take 75IU Thursday and nothing Friday and go back Saturday for a scan. Stupid me didn't think they would call so I missed the VM and actually took 150IU on Thursday.

Saturday....
lining 11.1
R ~ 14, 13(2), 12, 10(2)
L ~ 13(2), 12, 11, 10(2), 9

E2 ~ 3643
P4 ~ 5.84
LH ~ 35.7

I was supposed to just do 50 and 50 over the weekend and go back on Monday. But this time I paid attention for the VM. My high LH on Thursday was indicative of a true surge not a PCOS fluke. So I had to rely on BDing instead of IUI b/c I was going to O that night. I was upset w/ that b/c my CM is acid and likes to kills DHs lovely lil sperms. But what could I do, no time for p.reseed.

And, I did O that night. Just like he said I would. I woke up Sunday morning to sore boobs and TMI constipation always a sure sign of O for me.

And here I am 5 days into the dreaded 2ww. I had a dream last night that I tested @ 8dpo and got a BFP. Went for a BETA and it was 78. Weird. I would never test that early. And no, I still won't. lol

Baby dust, dbling dust, and sticky dust to the TTC world.

CD2 ~ Yep

2010-05-27T19:15:00.003-04:00

As you can see by the title....last cycle was a BUST.

It was my expectations that it would bust b/c nothing, I mean nothing, went right.

I am thinking I O'd early b/c my LP was way shorter than it has ever been--AF arrived on the morning of 12dpiui. I had my trigger at 1030 am and didn't have my IUI until 46 hours later. I think I may have O'd the night of the trigger. So I am going to say we missed it, not PCOS did it, not my body has failed me yet again, but we missed it. That's my story and I am sticking to it.

Moving on....I am royally pissed. I feel like we wasted our one and only donated cycle. I have about 500iu left over, but what's that really going to do? Rx called in to the pharmacy. 250mg, yes two-five-oh....taken cd 4-8, which is a first for me, and I go in on CD9.

I've got homework and a sick hubby to keep me occupied for the moment....baby dust and sticky dust.

6dpiui ~ What The Eff!!

2010-05-20T14:42:00.002-04:00

So I go to the REs, no one knows why I am there...this is all thanks to the freaking dinosaur! So They took my blood. I called them.

HCG negative, trigger is out.
P4 ~ 5.1

WTF! That's barely an ovulation. They are upping my self medicating (they didn't tell me to take it) progesterone of 200mg/day to 400mg/day.

I asked her if the low P4 means I didn't ovulate, she swears it doesn't mean that...but who knows.

I am bummed.

3dpiui

2010-05-17T19:18:00.001-04:00

Nothing to report...time is just going by so slow. I have no expectations for this cycle and often find myself looking at past cycles to see what rounds of clomid seemed the best...how many days did i take it, how many mgs, how many follies as a result...etc...after all I did get 2 BFPs from clomid cycles so it's not impossible.

I have no idea what i am going to do for another 11 days!!!!

CD ~ 18 IUI

2010-05-14T21:20:00.001-04:00

This had to be THE worst IUI I have ever had.

My regular RE was off, so we had the dinosaur doing it. He could not get the speculum in!! The first one was too thin he said, the second one not long enough, and then the light was glaring and then he couldn't see my cervix, and then he did but couldn't see the opening...i offered to cough for him b/c my regular guy usually tells me to cough. He said not necessary. He got one of those big Qtips and did something and then he was able to see the opening and this was on speculum #3. And there went 66 million soldiers!!!!!! He blamed my size! Can you believe that. 2 years going to that practice and never once did anyone ever make me feel fat or bad about being big, until today. How is it that i have had countless IUIs and PAPs and never ever ever had a problem with a doctor putting a speculum in? I stayed quiet b/c i didn't want him to try to not do the IUI ...ya know...

I had an u/s afterwards b/c i was concerned i may not O. We seen that the soldiers were in place, so at least dino did something right. And then my bigger follies were missing so,i o'd!! Wottie woot! I will start progesterone in a few days and go back next Thursday so they can see what levels are left of the trigger.

EEEEKKKK!!!!

CD 16 ~ Trigger

2010-05-13T20:54:00.001-04:00

This happened yesterday...

Lining 9
R ~ 17,14,13,12,11,10
L~ 17,13,12,11,10(3)

We triggered.

Tomorrow - IUI.

CD 14 ~ and away we go

2010-05-10T20:38:00.002-04:00

Went to the RE this morning....

And we have.......

R ~ 14 (2), 11 (2) and 10 (2)
L ~ 13, 12, 10 (5)

Finally, something measurable!

E2 dropped to 517 so I'll take 150IU tonight and tomorrow night and then we go back in on Wednesday and are hoping for Friday IUI.

A few post ago I mentioned my friend C. She knows all about what we are going through and has been there for me. She is always positive and trying to keep me calm when I start to go nuts. She is the most awesomest friend I could ask for. Well today I was describing to her what happened at my appointment and she asked me if the follies that don't ovulate will come out....when I go to the bathroom. LMAO!! She had me laughing so so so much!!!! Gotta love her!

Happy Mother's Day!

2010-05-09T09:53:00.002-04:00

Happy Mother's Day to those who are already moms, moms to be, moms that could have been and moms in waiting!

Yesterday I had a scan. Still full of small follies. Over 5mm but under 10mm I spotted at least 5 on each side. After lowering my G.onal F to 75iu, my E2 still rose from 1700 to 2600. WTF! So yesterday no meds and today only 75 again and back in on monday.

Please pray my cycle doesn't get canceled.

CD10 ~ Waiting Waiting Waiting...

2010-05-06T12:04:00.004-04:00

All I have is an 8mm on my left side ...all the others are too small to be considered measurable. I have to keep on w/ the 150IU and go back on Monday, unless my E2 says otherwise. All I have left is 750IU G.onal-F and 300IU F.ollistim. I just hope it's enough.

Bummed out.

UPDATE

I got a VM from the doctor's office and they said to take 75IU tonight and tomorrow and go in on Saturday instead. I have to wait until tomorrow to call and check what my E2 was since they were already closed when I got the VM. I am confused, if I only have one 8mm follie and they grow 2mm a day then it will only be 12mm on Saturday why decrease my dose?

oh and how in the world is my lining 12mm and 3 days ago it was 8.2....how did it grow so fast?

CD7 ~ Quiet Times

2010-05-03T14:57:00.003-04:00

I went in for an u/s today. Nothing much to report. My guys are quiet. No measurable anythings anywhere. I have only had 4 days of shots.

My E2 went from 53.4 on CD3 to 133. So, It's moving. What I need to do is stop comparing everything to my Follistim cycle from Sept '08. Wow I can't believe it's been that long already.

So, I keep w/ the 150IU and go back on Thursday.

I hope there's a party going on by then.

PS. AF is still here...ty provera!

CD ~ 3 Gettin' the party started

2010-04-29T15:00:00.004-04:00

Had my CD3 baseline today. Lining is at 8.8mm so I'll be bleeding a while, which is nothing new. All RPL testing came back negative. That's great don't get me wrong, but that still leaves the big question...why did I lose 3 babies?

I started the G.onal-F today. I'll be taking 150ui/day and go back on Monday morning bright and early. No clomid this time, no reason given just told I wont be taking it.

BUTTERFLIES galore swarming in mah belly!

CD2 ~ Can you say breakdown?

2010-04-28T12:50:00.003-04:00

AF arrived yesterday. I am already clotting heavily. Wonder if this is the tall tell (or is it tell tall?) sign that I have some type of clotting disorder.

I called my RE to tell them it was CD1 and that I need to make an appointment for Thursday for CD3 u/s and b/w. Appointment was made. I then ask them about my G.onal F and they said the paper was faxed to the warehouse for the C.ompassionate C.are program on April 19th. But they have not received the G.onal F yet. Ok...freaking out here.

I called C.ompassionate C.are people and they said nope, no fax received or S my co-ordinator would have been notified and in turn she would have notified me. I called the REs office back and had them refax the paper. She did it while I was on the phone and said it went through. So...all yesterday afternoon and this morning I have been calling the CC program people to verify if the fax was received in the warehouse.

Now I am going nuts, I am not getting an answer so, I asked to speak with someone who is above my co-ordinator. But ....who gets on the phone...S the co-ordinator telling me how she was just about to call me. Apparently the meds were shipped and received by my REs office on April 21st. She gave me the tracking number and everything. Now, I have to call the REs office back...I was afraid that their lunch time answering service would have been turned on already, but I caught them just in time. The receptionist keeps telling me they don't have the meds, that the lady, A, who signs for things only does that she doesn't know where they go afterward and D, the lady whom my meds were attentioned to, is on vacation. So I am really panicking now.

The receptionist said she would have some one look for them again and call me back. Now, I am crying at work, at my desk, sitting in the middle of both my teams, and about to pull my hair out. I called my friend C, who I would like to tell you about and was actually going to tell you about until this whole fiasco, so I will save her story for another day. She was trying really hard to calm me down and get me to stop crying. And then the REs office calls back. They found my meds!!!!!!!!!! Yipee!!!! The very intelligent woman whom my meds were attentioned to forgot to label them with my name. Guess who's not smarter than a 5th grader. I was so relieved, I felt like 20lbs of bricks came off me.

During my hunt for G.onal F, I also called the lab I went to on April 15th. I called them b/c twice I asked my RE if the results came in and twice they told me they were pending. I want to make sure they have the results for when I go there tomorrow. Well, the lab said my REs office had access to the results since April 16th. So she was also going to fax them over. I would feel real nervous about treatment and not having the results...b/c what if something went wrong?

So, looks like I am all set for tomorrow. Holy cow!

Thank you!!!

2010-04-26T19:50:00.002-04:00

Thanks for welcoming back into the blogosphere!

I know I have lots to catch up on with everyone, and believe me that's just what I'll be doing while I am on break from school.

Oh! Guess I should let you know what went on while I was away.

In June, we got custody of DH's youngest son R, he just turned 16 a few days ago. We are currently working on getting his youngest daughter K who will be 15 in a few weeks. In March, I started online classes for my associates in Business Admin w/ concentration in Accounting. DSS J whom has always lived with us said I am doing things backwards, career, school, kids. He turned 18 in November and will be graduating HS this June. He wants to be a lawyer.

I sort of got a promotion at work. I say sort of b/c pay wise it's lateral (no pay increase) position wise, I have more responsibilities. My title hasn't changed which I don't mind b/c I like being a 'Financial Analyst'. But my old team merged w/ the team I was under before that one and well, since I am not a 'regular' specialist it is a promotion.

Saturday was my last day of my first semester. I had 2 basic classes Math 101 and English 101. So far I have 100% in Math, I love numbers. English made me pull my hair out and gave me insomnia! So far I have a B+ in English, but am waiting for the grade on my research paper (on types of infertility treatment) for an A. I will be happy w/ the B+ don't get me wrong.

DH and I had some really rough patches after the last m/c but we are in a much better place now. He's just as ready as I am to get the part started.

Ahhhh and on the IF note, just when I was beginning to think I was still broken b/c I did not get AF 2 days after p.rovera as I normally do, I started spotting yesterday afternoon, and still spotting today. Finally needed to add a pad, so hopefully tomorrow is CD1 and I can call to set up my baseline. Wow! It just seems likes it happening so fast now. I am so flippin' nervous!!!

Back from Hiatus...I think...

2010-04-23T14:20:00.002-04:00

I think I forgot how to use this thing.

I had to get away from any and everything TTC related. Forums, blogs, websites, my lovely friends...if I didn't and I hope ya'll can understand, I would have gone INSANE. I needed the physical and mental break of it all. I needed to not speak of it and forget that it ever existed. I NEEDED THIS!

Now, we're back in the saddle. I gave 12 tubes of blood for 20 RPL and other tests last Thursday. As of yesterday, my results are still pending. I applied and was approved for the C.ompasionate C.are program from F.ertility L.ifelines (check it out). I will get 1800IU of G.onal-F for free. I took 10 days of provera b/c my cycles have wonked out on me since I gained 20lbs since the last m/c. Now, it's a waiting game...waiting for AF to show so I can make that call for CD3 scan and b/w.

I am scared, nervous, anxious, panicking, and fell as though it's all moving so fast.

I still can't bring myself to post back on the forum I loved so much, or speak to many of my TTC friends w/ or w/o children. I feel like I have to put my swimmies on and take it slow over in the kiddie pool.

10w0d

2009-06-09T13:38:00.004-04:00

This post contains some TMI/graphic material...read w/ caution. This post is more for my recording of what happened.

10:00pm ~ inserted 2 cyto*tec

12:21am ~ started to bleed

1:00-3:30am ~ started passing clots and what I believed was my baby, the toilet water was full of blood so I could not see what came out.

Unable to sleep most of the night due to all the blood loss, allergies, and asthma. Took a Bena*dryl and 6 Tyle*nol.

3:30-7:30am ~ Slept on and off

7:30am ~ Used the bathroom, no clots coming out, but clotty pieces when I wiped. Fell back asleep.

8:00am ~ Woke up to loud LOUD thunder and lightening. My mother up above had the heavens crying and mourning our loss.

12:00pm ~ Arrived at my appointment. I was asked if I had started bleeding, and I said yes and that I had passed a lot. Off to the u/s room. Per u/s I passed my baby just as I thought. My lining is 14-15mm, so I will be bleeding for a while.

No need for D&E. On one hand I am relieved b/c I would have had to do it w/o anesthesia. On the other hand I am sad b/c the baby can not be sent for testing.

I was given my RhoGam shot and a lab form for RPL testing.

When AF comes I will have a hysteroscopy.

I called the lab and they said the following test are included in the panel:
Glucose
Protein
RH
ABO
ANA (antinuclear antibody)
Prolactin
Insulin
Chromosome
Lupus Anti-Coagulant
Factor V Leiden

I am very relieved to be having these test done.

All set

2009-06-05T14:28:00.001-04:00

D&E = Tuesday.

RHoGam = ordered and paid for.

Closure = pobably never.

Numbers

2009-06-04T19:38:00.003-04:00

6 Ovulations

April 08
June 08
July 08
Sept 08
Mar 09
April 09

3 pregnancies

May 08
Oct 08
April 09

3 losses

May 08
Oct 08
June 09

50% chance of pregnancy

100% chance of no baby

What a cloudy day.

My RE's words of encouragement...your ovaries work...your tubes work....your uterus works....the sperm works....SO WHY THE FUCK AM I HEARTBROKEN?

How could I ever find happiness in a BFP again? Is it even possible? Probably not until the kid's in college.

I prayed to God this morning while I was showering for my appointment and asked him not to take this one from me too. I guess he didn't hear me over the water. Next time I will scream...loud!!

...

2009-06-04T10:14:00.002-04:00

No growth.

No heartbeat.

No more baby.

Choices: wait two weeks and see if it passes naturally or D&E.

I opted to wait, but keep the D&E as a possibility.

Once the m/c is over and my beta is back to 0, I will be getting RPL testing done.

All I can say is....WHY?!?!

8w2d

2009-05-28T17:16:00.001-04:00

Baby is still there. The tech says the growth from last week to this week is adequate. It's exactly what they were looking for …6mm growth and he's appr 8mm. It took her a while to find the heart flicker, I guess between my fluffiness and the position the baby is in. She was still not able to get the BPM due to this. She did say that she was looking for the rhythm and it looks right…it's not starting and stopping, it’s a constant flicker. I am down about the 12 day difference. As the baby is measuring about 6w4/5d giving me an EDD of 1/17/10, which based on my IUI it should be 1/5/10. Also, my Betas are still wacky. At 6w6d it was 4097 and at 7w3d it was 5602. Betas are still rising. Also my P4 has gone down but he is not concerned with that…which is probably why my boobs don't hurt as much. Overall, the RE was happy w/ the progress and I seem to be the only one freaking out about the 12 days behind.

The arrow is pointing to where we seen the heart flicker again.

*****updated to add beta was 6462 up from 5602 six days ago*****

7w3d

2009-05-22T11:56:00.004-04:00

How cruel a body I have. To make me think I would have a baby, then take it away from me, only to give it back to me.

This is what we saw on Monday....not much different from last week....

I lay in the stirups today, and for the first time i have enough courage to look at the screen, DH stayed sitting b/c I had already told him it was over until the tech said otherwise. Here's what we gots today....

It's not going to be a blighted ovum as I thought. There is 2.5mm emby in there w/ a heart flicker. The tech said he was too small to measure the BPM. I am now in u/s limbo....I go back on Thursday.

Fucking Hope, that Bitch...she snuck back in through the back door. I thought I had buried her ass!!!!

I know the odds are against me and slim, but baby bean please pull through this for mommie and papi!!!

PS...does anyone know how I can fix the u/s pics so that the whole thing will show ....i don't like the cut off!!!

7w0d

2009-05-19T13:36:00.002-04:00

I called for yesterday's BETA...4097. Not at all where it should be...should have been way past 10,000 even if the doubling happened every 3 days. I've already prepared myself for bad news on Friday. I called the gonal-f people and have an application on it's way for a free month of meds (let me know if you want the info) for when this is all over and done with. I try so much to be happy for the other ladies in my EDD thread, but w/ each great u/s news or each twins announcement I get more depressed, more woe is me, I feel more like a failure.

3 m/c in 12 mos WTF!!!!

What am I going to do today? I am going to go home, have me a smoke and get it on with my husband while eating an uncooked ham and cheese sandwich w/ sushi on the side. Oh don't forget the rum and coke followed by an espresso to wash it all down. B/c when I try to do all the good things, shit don't work out. So maybe if i do the opposite of what I am told to do, maybe, I'll end up with a baby.

Enough of my pity party. You should know the drill...if you don't hear from me for a while, it's because I am wallowing in self pity.

6w6d

2009-05-18T11:55:00.003-04:00

No emby so no heartbeat. Still looks like it did last Wednesday. It's over, I can feel it. I have to go back on Friday to see if anything has changed. I am not being negative...I am being realistic. I am NOT going to get my hopes up.

6w1d

2009-05-13T12:40:00.003-04:00

I jinxed myself. I just got back from the RE. You know the appointment that I was supposed to have TOMORROW!! Well my Aries impatient self decided I was going NOW. I had a dream that I was bleeding. I was so afraid to go to the bathroom this morning, but when i finally did....all clear..PHEW!!! I get to work and go to the bathroom....blood! WTF! Just when I thought I could breath just a lil. Only there when I wiped...not bright red, but not pink either. Was a lot at first, but dwindled down before I left work. Yea I called DH he said call RE and after I stopped crying I was able to give the receptionist my name and they told me to come right away.

When we first got there Nurse L comes out and says "I go to Italy and you get pregnant and it's in the right place" . I go to the back, get my blood taken, and then sit in the waiting room w/ DH. Mind you I am embarrassed b/c he did not have time to go home and change so he had dirty greasy mechanic clothes on!!! So the RE sees us in the waiting room, now this is the same guy that I hated b/c of the D&C ordeal, but redeemed himself when he let DH shoot his swimmers during our last two IUIs. He back steps and says to me and I quote "Now don't you go f*cking up this pregnancy! If you do, me and DH are going to take turns beating you up" We got a kick out of that, kinda helped ease the tension...no we were not oftended lol. So Nurse M sees me and says "what the hell last time you left w/ good news, well you'll be alright after the u/s" Yea, I was the only one not optimistic! I was the only one that just knew it was over. When I used the bathroom in the office the blood was now brownish and barely there. So in the u/s room, I couldn't look, I just looked at Dh and he looked a the screen. Then his face changed and he said there it is. Bx3 aka B-cubed is still where he's supposed to be. And he grew. RE is happy w/ the u/s. He refuses to call me w/ the BETAs, maybe that's for the best. No sex, no exercise, no heavy lifting, no vacuuming, not on bed rest, but on 'take it easy' mode. I am still scared. And there is still some brown when I wipe.

Here's BBB, and there is a yolk sac!!! Oh which now means my chances of m/c have went from 15% to 12%. This is going to be a long, paranoid, hypocondriacal 9 mos!!

6w

2009-05-12T08:56:00.002-04:00

I can't believe I have made it this far w/o any spotting. 2 more days for u/s #2. My boobs are super sore, I get killer heartburn that seems to enjoy wrecking havoc on my sleep, weirdo dreams the last two nights, occasional queasiness and smells are my worst enemy!!! Other than that I feel fine...which worries the heck outta me!

=)

2009-05-10T18:48:00.000-04:00

Happy Mommie's Day to all the Mommies, Mommies-to-be, and Mommies-in-waiting.

5w2d - rollercoaster of emotions

2009-05-07T17:24:00.004-04:00

I had my u/s this morning and this is what we saw....

Introducing lil baby bubble bean!!!

Isn't she/he perfect. =)

So, I opted to have the RE call me w/ the BETA results today. BIG MISTAKE. I went from 668 to 1320 in 3 days, this is a doubling of 3.05 days (basically 72 hours give or take). Although every freaking website i go to says 48-72hour doubling is normal, I am still shitting bricks. Why did it slow down soooo much from 1.71 to 3.05 that double the time to make the HCG. DH is optimistic and doesn't understand why I am stressing so much about the 'numbers' as he calls them. I told the nurse when she called that by my calculations, I should have been 2000+, but she said the RE says the numbers are fine and they are looking for a 65% increase. So, do I forget I heard that number and enjoy the fact that I am preggers and finally seen somthing on the screen, or do I continue to allow the !!@#$%^ number to mess w/ my emotions???

5w1d

2009-05-06T09:21:00.003-04:00

That's what my mind said before my body was fully awake this morning. I started to laugh. My eyes weren't even open yet.

Tomorrow is not going to get here fast enough.

4w6d pt 2

2009-05-04T15:27:00.000-04:00

668!!!!!!

Doubling time = 1.71 days.

Thank you Jesus!!!!

20dpiui aka 4w6d

2009-05-04T12:43:00.002-04:00

So today is a very nerve wracking day. Not only do I have the doubling BETA thing hanging over my head, but I also started to spot at 4w6d a year ago when I got my very first BFP. Now, when I got a BFP in October, I made it past 4w6d to spot at 5w0d and again 5w5d until Dec 31st. So I have many a milestone to pass in my eyes. Today, hopefully I will pass two -- doubling Beta and a spotfree 4w6d. Thursday, hopefully I will pass the one where I never get to see anything on an u/s, even if it's the bubble...please let me see the bubble.

I am scared sh*tless. Everytime I go to the bathroom I am so afraid to look at the TP. I've been a little crampy today, but my boobs are still hurting like crazy(I've yet to stop poking at them), still getting lightheaded/dizzy, still very tired and yawning ALL day, warm to the touch, but always cold (that's never me), basically everything that was here a week ago, is here today some maybe a little stronger. Did I mention the peeing. I can not stop peeing. What it is, the size of a rice if that, so why am I peeing so dang much. I can't even temp anymore b/c I don't get enough hours sleep in a row due to waking a bazillion times to pee in the middle of the night.

So, sit with me while I await THE phone call. Anyone have a Reese's Cup?

16dpiui

2009-04-30T12:48:00.000-04:00

Results

P4 = greater than 40 -- keep taking 100mg of prog
BETA = 133!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Holey crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok i can breath ....this might be it!!!

Follow up beta on Monday....first u/s on Thursday.

14dpiui

2009-04-28T12:05:00.002-04:00

So here is a little more detail. On Friday I posted that i got a BFN, I also tested on Saturday and got a BFN. I thought it was really over. I tested Monday morning using a CVS blue dye test and the line was so flipping light i thought i was just seeing where the shadow of the dye was....i was also told that the blue dye tests are not as reliable. After work I went to walmart and got FRER pink dye tests. I took one as soon as I got home and boom there was a line that not only I could see, but my fellow interneters and DH.

This morning I took both the blue and pink tests....the blue was darker than it was yesterday and the pink was lighter than it was yesterday...I don't know what to think of that, I do know that if i continue to poke and touch my boobs the way i am people at work are going to think i am fondling myself!!! I am going out of town tomorrow, so I will have my BETA on Thursday.

Stick baby stick...please

13dpiui

2009-04-27T22:48:00.004-04:00

So....can we all please pray for a sticky??? Pwease!!!!!

10dpiui

2009-04-24T08:16:00.001-04:00

BFN....what else is new.

CD 26

2009-04-16T15:31:00.001-04:00

I wish I could wake up tomorrow and it be April 28th.

CD 24

2009-04-14T12:43:00.002-04:00

Finally!!!!

We did the IUI w/ 52M strong!!!! I have not ovulated yet, which i was afraid i did yesterday and we would be too late w/ the IUI, but the u/s shows that the follies are now irregular which means....i am about to O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I start progesterone tomorrow.

Here we go again!!!!!!

Oh and the dang u/s tech tried to kill me today. she jabbed me so hard, I spotted!!!

In other good news, I will be home to get my lovely smells from Megan!!!! WOO!!!

CD23

2009-04-13T10:29:00.001-04:00

R ~ 28mm
L ~ 35&31mm

HOPEFULLY, IUI tomorrow. If I don't get a call back...it's on!!!!

CD 20 & 21

2009-04-11T12:04:00.003-04:00

CD 20

R ~ 21mm
L ~ 26 and 18mm.

My lining is 6.3, the thinnest it's every been. Usually it's double that. No explanation for why so thin.

E2 ~ 1021
LH ~ 9.**

CD 21

R ~ 26mm
L ~ 31 and 28mm

Lining ~ 9 ((woooot))

Depending on today's bloodwork, IUI tomorrow or Monday. RE said that since my e2 is that high, all 3 of my follies must have mature eggies. Come on BFP!!

**********UPDATE***********

No surge yet...going back on Monday.

CD 13

2009-04-03T12:00:00.002-04:00

Well...my appointment didn't go so good. I don't have any measurable follies and I got the you need to lose weight/IVF talk. He said he would not stop treating me, but since the clomid takes so long and so much to work he thinks after a year this is what it is. Lose weight ...fine. IVF...not so fine. I will never have $10,000 just lying around to put into a cycle that may or may not work. My insurance does not cover IVF or injectables. I am taking 200mg of clomid for 7 more days and going back next Friday. I am so freaking bummed.

Thanks Megan!!!!! I love to smell pretty. (I won a give away on her blog)

CD 9

2009-03-30T11:00:00.002-04:00

Again I have abandoned my blog. Forgive me. I am having a problem accepting that the last cycle was not a winner.

All my IF friends are turning up pregnant all over the place and as happy as I am for them, I am so sad for me. I don't feel guilty for being sad. We all go through it. Some admit it and others just keep it to themselves.

RE said 200mg of clomid CD 5-9...I said 200mg CD 5&6 and 250mgs CD 7-11....since I had enough left over to do that. First follie scan is on Friday. Can't wait.

13dpiui

2009-03-21T12:25:00.003-04:00

Nope, didn't test today. Glad I didn't. A little while ago....spotting. I am ok. I had my cry the other day. There's always next month. April will be 1 year w/ my RE. April will be my 31st birthday.

I'll call the RE on Monday and see what the plan for next cycle is. I think I'll ask for Femara. I've only had it once as a second treatment during a failed clomid cycle.

Maybe my eggs were over matured ...they were kinda big and it was kinda late in the cycle. I'd rather have AF than another failed pregnancy.

Thank you all for your support and optimism. It kept my head afloat.

12dpiui

2009-03-20T09:49:00.000-04:00

BFN!!! Do you see a pattern?

10 and 11dpiui

2009-03-19T11:05:00.001-04:00

BFNs!!

9dpiui

2009-03-17T09:33:00.000-04:00

BFN...

8dpiui

2009-03-16T09:04:00.000-04:00

1ww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and dying to test!

3dpiui

2009-03-11T11:17:00.002-04:00

And already going nuts w/ phantom symptoms.

IUI day ~ Constipated

1dpiui ~ Constipated, burning nips, started prometrium in the PM

2dpiui ~ Semi-constipated, burning nips, nausea in the pm w/ watery mouth, felt
like i was going to puke - thought I had food poisoning

3dpiui ~ Loads of Creamy white thick CM ...like leaking out or something lol

The only thing I am worried about is that my boobs don't hurt. Of the 4 cycles I previously O'd in, I always got sore boobs as soon as I O'd. And even after starting the prometrium...no sore boobs....what gives....I'd rather have the sore boobs than the constipation...that's for sure.

CD 28

2009-03-08T12:25:00.002-04:00

Riddle me this...

What do you get when you have 3 released eggies and 80+ million soldiers going to war?!?!?!

Hopefully a STICKY BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Our regular RE did not do the IUI today, the RE that did the traumatizing D&C did. He did; however, redeem himself. He was AWESOME!!! He swooped in and told DH to come over and look at my cervix. DH said it was a hole w/some white mucous. He then told DH that he is going to put the tube through my cervix and I would feel a cramp, which I did. He then told DH to push his guys in....maybe that would be the trick for this time. DH was loving being a part of it all...and of course loving hearing about his swimmers being a-plenty. He said I was going to get a scan to see if I released my eggs or not and if I did we do BD tonight and if I didn't we do another IUI tomorrow. The scan showed at least one released on the Right and both released from the Left.

Yesterday's stats were:
E2 - 1184
LH - 25.*
P4 - 2.**

2ww here we come!!!

CD 27

2009-03-07T10:03:00.002-05:00

Went to the RE today. Now mind you last night I was feeling things especially after DH and I BD'd...I even told him he I thought he broke my ovaries. On my right side I have ....30mm and 17mm and on my left side ....get this....38mm and 30mm!!!!!!!!!!! There was nothing there a week ago. I was concerned with the 38mm, but the RE said that he has seen them that big w/ clomid and has seen pregnancies occur. Made me feel a lil better. I got a shot of Lupron, which I thought was only for the supression of ovaries during IVF. But he said it was to make sure I release my eggs....I am still confused by that...but hey, he's the RE. He was concerned w/ my E2 last week...it was inthe 400's. I am wondering since the u/s tech has problems seeing my left side ( I had to squish down that side of my fluffy stomach) could she have missed something. Needless to say, I am soooo happy there was progression and I still have hope with this cycle.

Oh after Dr. Google and I consulted regarding triggering w/ Lupron I came across a post on SC with helpful information...here's the link that was in the post.

http://humrep.oxfordjournals.org/cgi/content/full/15/11/2266

CD 20

2009-03-01T15:38:00.000-05:00

Went to the RE this morning. I am disappointed. I was feeling very strong O pains on my left side...well....all I have is 1 follie - 13mm on the Right...NOTHING on the left. WTF!!! Don't get me wrong I am so grateful for my one follie...shoot it only takes one. But I don't get what all those pings and things were on my left side...So I am taking 200mg of clomid for the next three days and going back on Saturday. I don't feel so bad about not being able to BD the last few days (he's been sick).

CD 11

2009-02-19T18:28:00.000-05:00

Had my HSG. Let me just say last time I had it done, I did not take anything for pain b/c I was not told to and I did not have any pain. This time I took 600mg of Ibuprofen and I had pain..aches and cramps in my cervix. There was a problem w/ my left tube, the dye did not go out of it right away, but eventually did. All clear w/ the right tube...which is the side of the ectopic. Uterus...still fine and comfy. So I asked him what I am to do next, call him on my next cycle? At first he said yes, then he asked me if I had been ovulating on my own and I said no. He then said he will give me some antibiotics b/c the dye took a minute to come out and wants to avoid any infections...and....CLOMID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOTTTTTTTT!!!! I am back in the game!!!! He Rx'd me 100mg for 7 days. I have more at home and was going to take 200mg, but then if it works he may think I need 100mg and never Rx the 200 again so I don't want to tell him I took more than he Rx'd so I will be a good girl (again) and take only the 100mgs. With this being said I was so excited that I forgot to ask about the baby aspirin. I go back for my first u/s on Sunday the 1st of March.

CD 8

2009-02-16T11:24:00.001-05:00

I have my annual PAP today. Nothing special. AF only lasted 5 days, usually she sticks around for 7 days. I am not complaining after bleeding for so long and she was gone in time for some VDay lovin'.

HSG in T minus 3 days.

CD5

2009-02-13T11:11:00.001-05:00

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant only in my dream I did not know until I actually delivered. Which my Supervisor at work delivered the baby. DH was in the next room ( we did it at home) and I just knew it was a boy (all my readings say boy) but when they pulled the baby out it did not cry and i was so worried but they gave it to me and it was a little girl. I was so happy. and she was breathing and everything, she just didn't let out that cry that tells you all is well...she even nursed. I called DH and told DH to meet Chelsea (the name he picked out for a girl). OMG!!! I can't believe I had this dream.

CD4

2009-02-12T19:20:00.002-05:00

So AF did show up!!! 5 weeks after I stopped bleeding. I am not completely and totally broke....wooo!!!!

I called my RE on monday and my HSG is set for Feb 19th (one week away). I was very tempted to take some clomid this cycle...just to see ...ya know...but I didn't. I am going to be a good girl and wait like I should.

I have also started taking my baby asprin.

Not much more going on....

Happy Valentine's Day!!!!!

Is she here again??

2009-02-08T13:02:00.000-05:00

I am spotting...

Happy 2009!!!!!

2009-01-06T08:41:00.002-05:00

Don't shoot me for missing. Don't shoot me for not reading and keeping up w/ your blogs. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. I hope to get back in routine as soon as I get a new computer at home.

Last I left, I was still waiting for my beta to go down and my bleeding to stop.

Dec 14 HCG - 60
Dec 21 HCG - 31.2
Dec 31 Bleeding stops
Jan 2 HCG - 4.2 (anything under 5 is considered negativoooooooooooo)

Finally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The instructions that were left for me....avoid conception until I have my HSG (in about 2 mos). WTH!!! Avoid conception...hmmmmm....last I checked I didn't conceive...not w/o help anyway. I just laughed.

I am going to enjoy the next few months away from doctors, needles, and u/s probes.

Gimme a break...

2008-12-08T08:49:00.003-05:00

On Thursday I went to the RE for a follow of b/w and u/s. My lining was 3.8mm, down from 9mm 11 days prior. I was told the spot they are seeing by my Right ovary did not get bigger or smaller. So I was to wait for the results of my HCG. Meanwhile, I have been having major bathroom issues and have not been able to go w/o assistance. Not going has been causing major pain on my left side. I was in a lot of pain on Tuesday night, bought some softeners on Wednesday and was able to go and felt relief. I figured I would rinse and repeat on Thursday. Well, I took the pills before I left work at 4pm. I figured since these things tend to work quicker than what the bottle says, I would be ready to go by the time I got home. I sat at my desk waiting for the RE to call and left 15 minutes late w/ no call yet. Half way home I got the worse cramps of my life! I thought my innards were being ripped out. It hurt so so bad. I was cursing the Softeners manufacturer for writing 'cramp free' on the bottle. Shoot, how about crampful!!! I got home and tried to go but no luck. Checked the voicemail from work and my HCG is down to 190. YES!!!!! I go back this weekend for follow-up. So there I am in so much pain DH yelling for me to go to the ER and stubborn me saying no no, I have to give it time to work. And...it never did, so at 8pm i told DH to come on let's go. I could not take the pain any longer. This is why I hate ERs. You wait, and wait and wait and wait and did I mention you wait? Finally got to see the triage and she is so focused on my eyebrows and other things, she has to repeat questions and retake my temp. Thank goodness the wait to go back in the ER was not so much after I seen her. I had to tell them I had an ectopic and was still m/cing. Everyone I encountered in this place kept focusing on that. Hello, I can't go to the bathroom people. I told them I just seen my doc for the ectopic this morning and told them my lining and HCG. But nope everything was focused around this. Finally I dosed off waiting for the ER doc not the nurse and when the nurse came into to the room to check vitals she put some pressure on my stomach which caused pain and the urge to urinate. I went to the bathroom and O-M-G. The pain was unbearable. It hurt when I went, it hurt from the pressure. I walked back to my room and told DH to find the nurse. At this point I was screaming and yelling b/c the pain was so bad. I know DH was embarrassed. Finally the doc came and I had to explain it all over to him. Why don't these people just get it I need to use the bathroom. He told the nurse to give me some pain meds which worked immediately as it was via IV. But I could still feel the pain from when I urinated. They sent me for an u/s and this tech was the first one that actually let me see the screen while he was working, and he talked to me about what he was doing...usually in the ER they keep the monitor away from you. So he said he had to check my kidneys first. And then he checked my ovaries. He said that the right one had a cyst on it, and the left was extremely enlarged. The fact that it was so large could be causing it to push against my bowels make it so hard for me to go. So I went back to my room where I found out that our u/s are not read by someone in the hospital, but sent to Australia to be read. WTF!! This meant more waiting. At about 5am the nurse came in w/ this bottle of stuff for me to drink...I was getting a CAT scan. She said my white blood was high indicating an infection, but they don't know where. Oh, great! It takes 2.5 hours to drink this stuff b/c i had to drink 8oz every half hour. At 730am I go for my CAT scan. I go back to my room and sleep and at 12 noon my OB/GYN comes in to tell me that....there is a 7mm mass on the left side and they are not sure if it is attached to my ovary, they are not sure if it is part of the ectopic. So I explained to him a 7mm mass would surely cause my HCG to be higher than 190 and he agreed. He said he will resend me for u/s and then make a determination....at this point one of my options is for him to go in and he may have to remove ovary and tube. OMG!!! I just want to poop!!!!! I am going nuts and I start crying. He leaves to order the u/s. And guess what....I poop!!!!! I think him wanting to take my ovary and tube literally scared the sh*t out of me. I go for my second u/s and this lady keeps the screen from me and she hurts when she is doing it and i just feel like kicking her. I go back to my room and a few hours later comes the ER doc to tell me that the u/s does not show the mass only the CAT Scan, but to follow up w/ my RE and GYN. Does she mention my poop, no. So I do, and she tells me to take softeners...O-M-G I did and guess where that landed me woman!!!!! It is 3pm I have been in the ER since 8pm the day before have not eaten, have barely had any water and I am so ready to just get home. The pain had eased up. I am wondering if this mass they seen on the CAT scan was not just my poop?!?!?

Feeling so great that the pain has let up, I get up and go take a shower on Saturday and what do I do?? I twisted my back causing my Siatic nerve to pinch. Can I just catch a break?? Huh? Can I????

...

2008-11-24T07:46:00.002-05:00

HCG from Saturday was 1100. He said after the D&C and went down and then platued. So I got the Methotrexate shot on Sunday. I go back in a week or so.

Please let this end already.

And the saga continues...

2008-11-22T10:56:00.001-05:00

I know I know I know I have not been around. I needed and still need time away. I felt it’s time I update all that has been going on, not only to keep for my record, but so that my supporters know I am still alive and well.

I spotted from October 19th – November 5th. My appointment after my hospital episode was November 6th. My lining was 29mm and my HCG was 7400 UP from 3500 two weeks earlier. That was not good. I took 6 Cytotec pills, vaginally, that night. I had a horrid, horrid, night. I barely slept. I was in pain and passing loads of clots. Went in the next day November 7th and my lining had dropped to 15mm and my HCG was 6200. I went back November 10th and my Lining was 16mm and we did a D & C. It was painful, done right there in the office, I was not under. My HCG was 4400. Went back on the 12th and my lining was still thick 16-17mm. I didn’t get my HCG for that day. On November 14th, I woke up with a lot of pain. By the time I got to work and used the bathroom I passed a silver dollar size drop of blood, not a clot as it was bright red. All day I was passing smalls bits and pieces. When I got home that night and used the bathroom, I felt something…when I got up and looked in the toilet it was about 2-3 inches long. I was scared. I thought of calling my DH, but since he gets totally grossed out by all things vaginal, I didn’t. I pondered taking it out, but I had nothing steril to put it in, and didn’t know what to do with it. So..I flushed it. Later that night, I told DH and he got mad that I did not call him. Since then, I have been bleeding, like a medium AF. It has been very mucousy. I also have developed extreme constipation.

And this brings me to this mornings appointment. My lining this time was 9mm. I am so glad it’s coming down. They will call me later to tell me what my HCG is at. The RE is already talking about starting again after the new year. I am scared. We are going to do another HSG, since the D&C did not reveal anything in the uterus and the u/s sometimes shows something near the right tube. He said it’s nothing in danger of rupturing, but wants to make sure the tube is ok before we go on. I was actually going to suggest another one before we started anyway. I am also going to start taking Baby Aspirin to thin my blood. I had my wonderful u/s Tech today ( during all that I typed above she was not my u/s …the ones that I was working w/ must not know how to find ovaries and stuff in a fat chick…they were hurting the heck out of me). She said that the chart shows my Ovaries were hiding last time, but she was able to locate them w/ minimal pain. I love her!!! She is so informative. She talks to me about everything she sees. She’s be doing this for 34 years she said. She told me that the previous u/s showed a large amount of blood by my cervix (yea thanks to the other tech for sharing that bit of info w/ me), but my cervix looks tons better now. I am assuming the mass I passed last Friday was what they were seeing on the u/s. I will update again once I know my HCG.

I am sorry I have not commented on your blogs. I am reading them and keep each and every one of you in my thoughts and prayers.

See SPOT run, see SPOT hide, see SPOT again

2008-10-28T09:18:00.003-04:00

So that's all I have been doing for 1 week 2 days...spotting. I have not actually bleed yet. My boobs still hurt which makes me think that my progesterone has not gone down even though it was 9.6 a few weeks ago. I stopped my supplement last Monday. The spotting is driving me nuts. I just want this over with.

Medical Mystery aka Where's Waldo?

2008-10-23T10:43:00.001-04:00

Monday afternoon I went to the ER b/c of spotting and sudden cramps on my left side. I was there from 3:30pm-10:30pm and was then transferred to another hospital b/c this one did not have ob/gyn services. Why did it take them 7 hours to tell me this? They should have told me that the moment I told them I was pregnant. At the first hospital they took blood and did u/s. I was told they were having trouble reading the u/s. I felt like telling them to let me see, I can tell them if there’s a baby in there or not. So finally this doctor comes and tells me that w/ a BETA of 5400, they should be able to see something and since they can’t and I am having the pain on my left side, they are going to transfer me to another hospital that should be able to see if it’s ectopic. I was so mad that they kept me for so long. Once I was transferred, I had blood and u/s done again immediately, and again, nothing on the u/s. I was told that they are going to admit me. Since nothing was seen on the u/s again, they may have to do laparoscopic surgery and check the tube. I didn’t want to lose my tube.

So, Tuesday morning a total of 4 doctors came to see me, all at different times. I had to keep answering the same questions. They could not understand why I was taking a diabetic medication if I was not Type II, they did not understand why I was on Prometrium for my low progesterone. They thought it was ectopic too. They were going to give me Methotraxate, but wanted to wait since they knew it was a wanted pregnancy. I kept telling them to call my RE. The doctor said he did not have privileges in this hospital. I know that!! I didn’t want you to call him so he can come see me, I wanted them to know what happened…and hopefully b/c ya’ll are stumped he could tell you what to do!! The one doctor kept asking me if I had invitro I said no, and explained my cycle again telling him I had an IUI for better chance. They just didn’t know!! And it frustrated me to no end. I was told that my BETA went down to 4500 so they are going to keep me another day and watch what it does. Now, I am not a doctor, but you are telling me my BETA is going down, what is there to be stumped about, I am having a miscarriage. I kind of felt like they were giving me false hope, when I knew it was already over. They sent me for another u/s. The u/s tech told me to tell them to stop sending me, that I was too early, that I may have miscalculated when I conceived. I told her that I had a monitored cycle and I could tell her w/in a few hours difference exactly when I ovulated, I am not off in my days. She said I had a lot of cysts, and free fluid (due to being hyperstimmed), but still nothing in or out of the uterus. So, I stayed and waited. Meanwhile after not having much pain all day, it became excruciating that night and always on my left side. I was so scared it was ectopic and my tube was going to burst. The pain eventually subsided again.

The lady doctor came back Wednesday morning and said they were going to run another BETA and based on that make a determination. This was 7am. BETA drawn shortly after. And I waited and waited and waited. Meanwhile, I am not bleeding heavy, just mostly spotting. Only feeling pain if I move a certain way or when I get up to go to the bathroom. Hubby comes to see me and finally at 3pm the doctor comes back. She says that she just spoke to my RE (YAY!!) and since nothing is found on the u/s I have already passed the baby. My BETA is 3500. I am having a natural m/c. And to follow up w/ my RE in 2 weeks to have my levels checked. We are not sure yet why I m/c again. I think it’s stress related. I can’t seem to keep calm, work issues, home issues w/ my step son, and the whole OMG I am going to lose this baby and checking the TP every time I go to the bathroom thing. And there’s the progesterone issue.

Hubby and I decided we are going to take a break. 2 m/c within 5 mos is too much for us. We have waited 10 years, what’s a few more months…right? When I see the RE in a few weeks I am going to discuss going on BCP b/c I don’t want another 21 day bleeding episode. I am going to take advantage of the gym my job has opened and try to lose some weight too. After the New Year when my heart and body are healed, we will try again.

Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers, and love.

5w6d

2008-10-20T10:21:00.002-04:00

Will I ever make it to an u/s where I can see a bean???

Started bleeding red yesterday, DH wanted to see if it would stop like my other spottings did. Well, it's not heavier, but it's not stopping either. I am going to the ER so they can tell me what I already know...I am a baby killer.

Why does this keep happening? How can you be above 40 on progesterone and a mere 5 days later shoot down to 9.6??? I just don't get it. I was foolish enough to think this was the one ...shit my beta was 442!!!!!! We were worried about multiples...now....worried if we have one survivor in there. Doubt it.

I am lost.

5w2d

2008-10-16T10:16:00.003-04:00

Thank you all for your kind words.

I was supposed to go in today, but b/c of what happened on Tuesday I went then. Now have to wait until next Thursday. I hope I make it that far.

No spotting and no cramping to report. Seriously can't find anything to eat that won't make me gag.

This site says that P4 in the first trimester could range from 9-47.

Progesterone levels also can have quite a variance at this stage of pregnancy. They can range from 9-47ng/ml in the first trimester, with an average of 12-20ng/ml in the first 5-6 weeks of pregnancy.

With both hCG levels and progesterone levels, it is not the single value that can predict a healthy pregnancy outcome. It is more important to evaluate two different values to see if the numbers are increasing. Levels of hCG should be increasing by at least 60 % every 2-3 days, but ideally doubling every 48-72 hours. Progesterone levels rise much differently than hCG levels, with an average of 1-3ng/ml every couple days until they reach their peak for that trimester. In situations when there is a concern of an ectopic pregnancy or miscarriage, hCG levels will often start out normal, but will not show a significant increase or will stop rising all together, and progesterone levels will be low from the beginning.

I know...I am looking for any and all hope that when I go back my baby or babies will be ok.

5w1d

2008-10-15T09:44:00.002-04:00

I had a scare yesterday at 5w. I woke up to pink spotting. It lasted from 5am to about 8am. I went in to see the RE and had b/w and u/s. Lining is still thick, 13mm, which he says is good, but still nothing on the u/s to see. Bad news is my P4 dropped from greater than 40 to 9.6. My Beta is 1200 which it should be around 1600 if doubling every other day. I just don’t know what to do. I have not had anymore spotting and am now taking 200mg of prometrium twice a day. I can’t do this again. The doubling time is 3.5 days.

I have been put on 100% pelvic rest. And must keep my feet up when I am home and at work no lifting or walking if I don’t have to.

16dpo ~ Beta Results

2008-10-09T16:03:00.002-04:00

I waited all day for their call!!! They normally call after 3pm EST. I called them at 3:45pm and said...listen I know we are supposed to be patient and wait but I am at the edge of my seat here. The receptionist said that the nurses were discussing todays cases with the doctor and should start making calls soon.

So...drumroll please...BETA is

442!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

progesterone greater than 40!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

14dpiui - Official Test Day

2008-10-07T08:27:00.002-04:00

It's still a BFP!!!

The one on the bottom is from today.

13dpiui

2008-10-06T08:46:00.002-04:00

Here is my play by play of the weekend…

On Friday aka 10dpiui I took a $store test in the AM, the line was only one sided and I don’t know if it appeared in time, b/c I went to sleep. On Saturday 1:45am I took another $store test and this time the line filled the entire space, but it was barely there. It appeared w/in 10 minutes, but I had to turn certain lights on hold it at a certain angel and open the cartridge. At 1:50pm Saturday, I took another test, this time you could see the line…still very faint, but didn’t have to strain as much as with the first one. I told DH I needed to go by some real test before I drive myself nuts. So, with my $2 internet coupon and $3.50 CVS extra bucks, I got 2 FRER test. I went to the bathroom in the 1am hour of Sunday aka 12dpiui and there was some pink spotting. I wanted to die. I came out of the bathroom and said to DH, it’s over before it even begins. He just said huh, I said never mind and tried to go to sleep. Of course, I had my moments of OMG it’s implantation spotting, but when I look at other charts it usually happens at 8-9dpo. At 5 am I went to the bathroom w/ my FRER, peed in a cup, but before dipping the stick, I checked the TP and there was nothing there …PHEW!!! So, I got a very noticeable second line, not as dark as the control line, but visible enough that I did not have to hold it a certain angle or under a certain light and it showed up w/in the time frame. Throughout the day I was freaking and praying that I would not get any more spotting. I didn’t get any pink on the TP, but my CM looked yellowish, I have never seen that before. I am so scared I will go to the bathroom and see pink. I did not test this morning. I have one more test and I am saving it for tomorrow morning aka 14dpiui.

Part of me wants to be excited, but part of me is so scared. I don’t have any symptoms. My boobs don’t hurt except for the occasional tenderness of the nipple. I have been sick as a dog with a cold all weekend. And then there are the WHAT IFs. The biggest one being…what if it’s still the HCG Booster….and the second biggest…what if there is no second line tomorrow.

I am going nuts here!!!!

I will post a pic of the test when a buddy from work gets in w/ their camera
phone.

Sorry it's so blurry it's the best we got.

8DPIUI aka 2DP2500IU of HCG

2008-10-01T08:52:00.003-04:00

So, DH didn't want me to buy test, b/c the RE said to wait 8 more days. Well, while in the $store the other day I said I was going to buy some so that I could see when the HCG booster left. DH was totally against it. So what does a POAS addict do to get her fix. She tells DH after work yesterday to take her to the $store. So he goes to find a parking and I say why are you parking you don't have to come in. LOL He was happy enough so he just waited curbside. I went in and bought 5 test and hurried and put them in the back seat.

What happens when you POAS with a $store cheapie @ 8DPIUI aka 2DP2500IU of HCG, you ask?!!? You get the faintest of faint lines. That's good right...that means it is leaving. PHEW!!! Now for the scary part, what if ...you know...what if...that second line....doesn't show back up???!!!??? I am so scared.

On the boob front, still got some soreness, not as much as the past two days. The extra soreness could have been b/c of the booster shot.

My next test, will I get a 'Period Pimple' tomorrow. During June and July's 2ww, I got a pimple at 9DPO.

QUESTION~A Beta HCG is measured in mIU/ml and the HCG shot is measured in IU. So how many mIUs are in an IU?? Would 2500IU = 25mIU??

7DPIUI ~ 1 Down 1 To Go

2008-09-30T09:06:00.003-04:00

I felt awful last week, the bloatedness, heaviness, achyness, did not go away until Sunday. But now that I had my 2500IU booster of HCG yesterday, it is back. Not as bad as when it started, but it's noticable.

I had an u/s and I have some fluid by the Left Ovary. They are not as big as they were when I was about to O. Had b/w done as well, and my P4 was 25.9. My P4 when I got a +Beta was only 11.9, so I hope I hope I hope.

For the last few days I have been having cervix aches if there is such a thing. All I know is that I have become very aware of my cervix and that has only happened once before, but I refuse to say when. >wink<

I must say I was frightened to wake up this morning. During my 2ww in June and July, my boobs stopped being sore around 7/8DPO. So far so good. PHEW!!!

Signs All Around Us

2008-09-25T14:50:00.004-04:00

Ok has anyone watched Final Destination? Well, if you have you now it's all about following the signs.

Here are mine:

April cycle(BFP m/c) ~ call about LH surge 4/21, IUIs 4/22 and 4/23.
Sept cycle ~ call about LH surge 9/22, IUI 9/23
***Both months have 30 days in them.

April cycle ~ U/S after first IUI preformed by Mary.
Sept cycle ~ U/S after IUI preformed by Mary.
***These are the only two times I have EVER seen Mary!

April cycle ~ Tested on 5/7/08
Sept cycle ~ Testing on 10/7/08

April cycle ~ Started a pain in the arse project at work.
Sept cycle ~ Started Part 2 of this same project at work.

I know I know I know I am reading to far into this....I know it.

2DPIUI ~ I can float!

2008-09-25T10:32:00.003-04:00

I feel so bloated I think I would float on my own like a bouy. Tender, achy, sore. More noticable when I walk and move in bed.

Called my Nurse b/c I read (and also got confirmation from a former patient of my clinic) that the booster HCG shot can worsen OHSS. She said to keep my appointment and they will do an u/s and based on that and how I am feeling determine if I get the booster or oral progesterone. I asked if I get a P4, she said yes, P4, E2 and Beta!!! I didn't think to ask, but I guess the beta is to see how much of the first HCG shot is left in my system. LOL I was just excited at the word Beta!

Give me Space(s)

2008-09-24T08:21:00.002-04:00

Why doesn't blogger want to add the spaces between paragraphs??

CD 14 ~ It's raining...spermies!!!

2008-09-24T08:17:00.006-04:00

My CD13 levels:

E2 ~ >2000

P4 ~ 1.56

LH ~ 38.9

My Final Follie Count:

Right ~ 23mm, 22mm, (2)15mm, (2)16mm, 12mm

Left ~ 25mm, 17mm, 15mm, (2)14mm, (2) 13mm, 12mm

IUI stats:

Pre-wash ~ 48 million, 35%

Post-wash ~ 58 million, 45%.

I was given the option to go back and do another IUI today, but I opted for BDing in the AM on and again on Thursday to have my bases covered.

I go back Monday for the booster shot of HCG. I asked if the booster is in place of progesterone and he said yes. I am at risk for OHSS. Was told to drink loads of Gatorade and eat soup. Salty stuffs. I can tell you shortly after the procedure I started to feel bloated! I am tender, not from the IUI, in the abdomen. I have to walk slow so it doesn't bother me. I started feeling things going on in my ovaries yesterday morning.

And guess what, this is the earliest I have ever O'd. I hope, I hope, I hope.

So, like, um...I AM SURGING!!!!!!!!!

2008-09-22T14:49:00.003-04:00

How??? OMG!!!!!!!!!

The nurse just called and said my E2 is over 2000. They are mature and I am ready. OMG am I ready?? So I have to take 2 of the 4 cc's of HCG as soon as I get home. IUI is set up for 1pm tomorrow.

Thought, prayers, and dust.... please?!?!?

CD13 Yowsa!!!!

2008-09-22T10:48:00.003-04:00

My levels from CD8:

E2 ~ 180
P4 ~ .43
LH ~ 5.57

My Follie Count for CD 13:

Lining: 11.7

Right ~ 13mm, 12mm, 12mm
Left ~ 14mm, 14mm, 13mm, 12mm, 10mm, 10mm, 9mm

Where the hell did they all come from????

So the plan is to do 2 more days of 150IU of Follistim. Go back on Wednesday, trigger either Wednesday night or Thursday night and one IUI on either Friday or Saturday w/ some BDing thrown in there.

I got the selective reduction talk. He said he ideally would not like for me to carry more than twins. I am a fluffy gal, I know I could not manage more than twins. I know it's such a difficult decision to make. I am personally on the fence. I would not like to harm my babies in anyway by trying to carry too many, nor would I want to basically abort any of them. I don't mean to offend anyone with that last statement, I know it's got to be the most painful decision to make and I hope to God I never have to make it.

Is it too early to be getting uber excited? I hope not, b/c I am STOKED!!!!!!

CD8 - Things-a-Brewin'

2008-09-17T11:44:00.004-04:00

Had my RE appointment today. I have a 7.2mm lining. I don't get it, on CD3 prior to the heavy bleeding and clotting, my lining was 7.8mm, how could it have only gone down .6mm after what I just experienced??

I have 3 follies on the Right side that are being watched - 11mm, 9mm and 8mm and 2 follies on my Left side that are being watched - 7mmX2. I have an 18mm follie with irregular borders that was there on CD 3 as well. We are ignoring that one. Funny thing, I Usually O from my Left side and it seems Righty is doing pretty good this time around. The last time Righty had a follie I got a BFP.

So, I will be doing 150iu of Follistim for 5 more days and I go back on Monday w/ my HCG shot. Now, this could all change based on the B/W. So, we'll see.

I also took a peep at my CD3 blood work…

E2 - 37.0

P4 - .2

FSH - 5.3

LH - 4.8

What do you think??

I looked it up here FertilityPlus.

CD3 E2 levels should be between 25-75 - Levels on the lower end tend to be better for stimulating. Abnormally high levels on day 3 may indicate existence of a functional cyst or diminished ovarian reserve.

CD3 P4 levels should be <1.5>Often called the follicular phase level. An elevated level may indicate a lower pregnancy rate.

CD3 FSH levels should be between 3-20 - FSH is often used as a gauge of ovarian reserve. In general, under 6 is excellent, 6-9 is good, 9-10 fair, 10-13 diminished reserve, 13+ very hard to stimulate. In PCOS testing, the LH:FSH ratio may be used in the diagnosis. The ratio is usually close to 1:1, but if the LH is higher, it is one possible indication of PCOS.

CD3 LH levels should be <7>A normal LH level is similar to FSH. An LH that is higher than FSH is one indication of PCOS.

I think I am doing good..huh?? So why no baby yet!!!!

I called the pharmacy this is the price quote I got for Follistim:

300iu $382.80

600iu $765.60

900iu $1148.40

I was given a 300iu and 600iu in the beginning by my RE, and now I was just given 2 - 300iu. $1914 worth of meds. I can't afford that each month. Dam this better work.

CD7 - Great things come in small packages.

2008-09-16T12:44:00.002-04:00

HCG was delivered 10:30am to DH's Aunties house. I am so happy that is out of the way.

Well AF has decided she is going to stick around, but she is not going to be pushy. Tell me why I had wet clear cm and AF on my TP this morning. UGH!!!! I don't get it.

Oh, I drew blood last night. Yup. My first time since starting the injections. I freaked out and then I thought I was seeing a bump at the injection site and all I could think of was that the medicine is in the bump and it's not going where it needs to.

Something is brewing in there people. I am feeling it on both sides. Please let tomorrow show me great news.

CD4-6

2008-09-15T11:22:00.005-04:00

The following may be too graphic for most. I am documenting it as a reminder of the next time someone wants to RX provera for me!

Picture it 4 am Saturday morning, you wake up startled. You go to move in the bed and you feel...a GUSH...OMG what's going on?!? Run to the bathroom half a sleep, no glasses trying not to gush on the way. All hell breaks loose in my undies. Wash, rinse repeat almost every hour for the entire weekend. If I left my house it was for a very shot period of time. Gravity is not my friend. I was hoping it would go away before work on Monday. Not entirely. Not as bad, but not entirely gone.

I have given myself 2 shots so far. It does not hurt. DH is a punk lol and can't give me the shot, so I have been doing it myself...his part...he pinches my skin.

I was having a bad time finding the HCG shot. I have been calling around since Friday....this is what I get...

CVS (my regular pharmacy) ~ Wants $105 for the generic and they would have to order it from the warehouse.

Walmart ~ Wants $65.88 for generic and I would have to order by 7pm on Friday to get it on Tuesday.

Walgreens ~ Wants $61.99 for the generic and I have to order by 5pm on Monday to get it next day. A second call (after what I learned at RiteAid) to Walgreen's shows that the warehouse they use does not have HCG in stock at the mo'.

RiteAid PKA Eckerd ~ Wants $56.19 for generic and if they ordered it Friday night I would get it Saturday. I went straight to RiteAid, first they acted like the didn't know what I was talking about or that I even called them. They called the warehouse and dun dun dun ...they don't have any in stock.

I called Freedom Pharmacy this morning....they want $38.40 including the needles and syringes and free overnight delivery. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoo freaking HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoo!! I called my RE and they are faxing the Script over.

What a relief.

*Update* My HCG will arrive tomorrow via FEDEX!!!! I am so freaking excited.

CD3 Baselines are loaded!!

2008-09-12T12:48:00.002-04:00

Today was my appointment with the RE. When I arrived I had my blood drawn and then my ultrasound. My lining is now 7.8mm where it was 11.7mm on Sept 9th. This is good. I am glad it has gone down…not way down but down. But I am still AFing so, I am sure it will go down some more. We were then called in to speak to the RE. I am going to take 200mg of clomid CD 3-7 AND 150UI of Follistim CD 3-7. I also received an RX for HCG. I had a teaching session w/ the Nurse. The needle is very very thin and did not hurt. I will be injecting my thigh instead of my belly. I am nervous as all heck. Shoot I did not think he would start me on 150IU of Follistim, is he trying to get me pregnant or something. LOL

What a nightmare!

2008-09-11T10:30:00.003-04:00

Last night AF seemed to dwindle down to nothing, nada, zilch...this scared me. I thought that it was starting all over w/ the come and go from last cycle. I was also scared that I jumped the gun and yesterday was not really CD1 making tomorrow not really CD3.

I had a nightmare. My lining was not right and my RE kept telling me that we could not do anything this cycle. I begged for Fem*ara or just Clo*mid...anything. He kept saying no. I was so devastated.

I woke up and AF was back on! YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

CD 1- ONE - WON - UNO

2008-09-10T12:16:00.001-04:00

YESSSSSSS!!!! Honestly after 20 or so days of bleeding I didn't think I would be so happy to have AF again. I think that break was harder than it was supposed to be. So called the RE, my appointment is on Friday for CD3 b/w and u/s. This is my one shot deal w/ the injectibles. Anyone know if my lining is too thick what will happen??

The plan is Clomid w/ the injectibles, don't know how much and when yet. Is it Friday yet?

CD 28 - See Spot Run, See Spot Hide

2008-09-09T13:58:00.004-04:00

Last night was my last provera pill. Shortly after I had to make a pit stop. *TMI ALERT* Whilst in the loo I noticed a tinging of pink on my TP. I actually said to myself wow! wow! WOW! Ok, deep breath, butterflies, WOW!! SIGH.

I was not expecting it this soon. I dunno if I am shooked at it's promptness, excited at the prospect of a new cycle and a new opportunity, or nervous and scared of bleeding again for 20 days.

This morning I had nothing. But a few hours ago it was back and as of the last pit stop it seems to be getting heavier. Still not a light flow...more of a spotting, but getting there. OMG!!!!!!! I am going to do injectibles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CD27 - The Finale PROVERA

2008-09-08T15:59:00.002-04:00

Today will be my last provera. Can't wait to see how long AF will take to get here. Come on girlfriend I am ready for the needles!!

WombForImprovement said...

But you've only just finished your last period! Maybe this
one will be lighter because your womb lining hasn't had as long to develop. God,
a year ago I wouldn't have had a clue about all this.

I took the provera initially to stop the abnormal uterine bleeding (AUB). But the normal side effect for the provera is to cause you to shed your lining. My lining was 11.7 upon last measure and that was AFTER bleeding for 20 some odd days, so no thin lining here. My doctor really didn't consider the entire 20 days AF, and referred to it as AUB.

So I am thinking w/ the thickness of my lining I am in for it when AF gets here. I just hope that it's my normal 7 days and not triple that. Once she is here I call to set up my baseline appointment. Hopefully all will be well and I can start clo*mid and foll*istim.

CD22 ~ The End is near...

2008-09-03T08:14:00.006-04:00

Thank you for your good wishes.

So, I got THE call. Well actually I called them at 4pm b/c they did not call yet and the nurses were still discussing blood work with the doctor. I leave work at 4:15, told DH to race home so I can see if there is a VM. There was. The nurse said the doctor said to go ahead and start on the Provera. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISS!!!!!

So I debated all night long... to take the provera or not to take the provera. What if there is a chance I may still O?? I would have missed it last cycle had I listened to the nurse and went home to wait for AF. What if I don't O and I make the wait to start a new cycle even longer. The deciding factor?!? After no spotting or anything all day lone, I went to the bathroom after watching the new 90210(which was not as bad as I thought it would be) and I seen Red. Told DH to come on we are going to CVS and I got my RX and took my first pill last night.

7 days...last time I had to take Provera, it was for 10 days...10mg...and the most horrid, retched, AF I ever had in my life. I am scared of what kind of AF I am going to have when it comes. DH said he will put a shower curtain under me LOL...men!

So, here we go again w/ this yo-yo cycle...it's still a break one and I put my BBT back in the draw.

CD21 - Break cycle turned natural cycle

2008-09-02T12:07:00.002-04:00

Today was my follow up RE appointment. Had my blood taken by my not usual nurse who kinda hurts, and then went to get my ultrasound. My 16mm (on Friday) follie is now at 15mm, oddly shaped and has liquid around it. The tech said I am in process of O'ing. She was very happy. My lining was 10mm on Friday and is now 11.7mm, it’s thick, but the bleeding is just spotting now. They then asked if I completed my homework that was assigned to me (relations with DH on Monday), of course I did on Friday, Sunday AND Monday!~! So they next did a PCT (post coital test). We waited to be called back to speak to the RE. What he said is that 1 of 2 things can be happening. 1- I am ovulating on my own which is great or 2- it’s a fake out…a follicle that is empty. The nurse will call me with the results of my blood work. If #1 is true than we had good timing with our relations and the doctor said my PCT was good (last time I had dead spermies). If #2 is true, he gave me a prescription for provera to shed the lining. Once I shed that lining, we will start with clomid and follistim. I asked what could explain the bleeding, he said hormone imbalance. I asked if the ovulation that I may be doing is a residual effect from the oral meds I have been taking, he said no, that my body is most likely metabolizing correctly due to the Fortamet.

CD17 - Visit with the RE

2008-08-29T11:31:00.001-04:00

I had an U/S today. My lining is 10mm which means I will still keep bleeding. My ovaries were looked at. My right ovary is quiet. My left ovary has a 16mm follie on it. WTF!!! I then had my blood taken. If I don't get a call I am to have sex on Monday and go back on Tuesday for a looksee at my follie.

So, what are my chances of this follie actually ovulating while I am still bleeding? And there is no chance of implantation b/c I am shedding correct??

I am torn between anger for the bleeding and joy from the follie.

CD15 - AF just won't go away.

2008-08-27T12:58:00.000-04:00

Going to see the RE on Friday. Not my RE b/c he's on vaca...but an RE. 15 days and still bleeding this is not normal for me. In all my abnormal AF history w/ PCOS this has NEVER happened to me. A week, 8 days...but 15 is just too much. And it's evil ...it comes and goes. Monday night it was almost gone but I woke up yesterday full of blood. It went away during the morning but came back in the afternoon...by bed time it was almost gone and there was barely nothing there this morning...but it just came back again about two hours ago TMI (lining and all). I'm scared....I am wondering if it's endo and all kinds of things.

CD10 of Break cycle....

2008-08-22T15:52:00.003-04:00

Here I am 10 days into my cycle and I STILL have AF. Am I serious, you ask? Yes, I am. I am quite tired of it!!

I called the nurse this morning, she looked at my file and my lining was 3-4mm thicker than normal, I figured my lining was thick and that I would have a very heavy AF. Not a medium at time heavy AF lasting this long....my normal 7 days is enough. I was told if it doesn't let up by Monday or Tuesday, to call so I can been seen for B/W and U/S. I am on a break people, I did not want to step near the office while I was on a break. Please AF I am begging, GO AWAY!!!

Other than that, not much going on. I have jury duty on Monday, which I really don't want to go to. I served 3 years ago. I would rather be at work.

School will be starting soon. DSS will be in the 11th grade. Am getting old...so is his dad!! He already towers us (got that from his mom's side).

Ferrets are doing great. Work stinks like always, but yes, I would rather be at work than Jury Duty. Been listening to some really old music called Freestyle, and it's bringing back my child hood lol.

Almost time to go home. Can't wait.

Oh, good news. My job has opened a gym. It will be ready in September. I am joining. I am very excited. I also am trying to get back on my diet. Have not had any big slip ups all week. My job also sent a survey to see if we want a nutritionist. How awesome!!! I can not wait.

>sigh<

2008-08-12T10:16:00.002-04:00

So, I have been spotting since yesterday. My temps dropped and those super sore boobs are no more. I did not test. I could not bring myself to the disappointment. I need a break for my sanity. So all I will be doing is temping. No meds, no OPKs, and just having fun sex not BDing. When I am ready, I will be going back to the RE to start the donated Follistim. I am sorry I have not visited anyone's blogs recently. I am just a lil down and on the weekends I only have my crappy lappy so I can't access blogspot from it...>shrugs<

I cried a lot yesterday and fought with my inner self, but I think a break is needed. I have pushed my body so hard to O the last 3 cycles...double meds, longer and higher doses than norm. I am going to try to get back on my diet wagon b/c since the m/c i have been eating like a hog and I totally know it's all emotional eating nothing more nothing less.

Unfortunately, I am a one trick horse. My life is dull, all I do is go to work and come home. So IF is all I can blog about. If you don't see me it's b/c I dunno what else to write about.

Secrets...and stuffs

2008-08-08T12:31:00.002-04:00

I am nosey. Very nosey. Well...maybe more curious to see how other people live and react more than nosey.... I think that's why I like reading blogs so much. It's like reading peoples diaries.

Have you seen this...

PostSecret

I feel like I secretly know millions of peoples secrets. It's great.

Have you seen this too....

Mighty Optical Illusions

Awesome!!! I love this stuff.

Tag!!! I'm it!!!

2008-08-06T11:40:00.005-04:00

I was tagged by Turia.

Rules: Answer each question with one word and tag four others to play.

1. Where is your cell phone? home
2. Your significant other? Amor!
3. Your hair? long
4. Your mother? missed
5. Your father? MIA
6. Your favorite thing? internet
7. Your dream last night? forgot
8. Your favorite drink? water
9. Your dream/goal? $
10. The room you’re in? cubicle
11. Your hobby? TV
12. Your fear? death
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? mom
14. What you’re not? outgoing
15. Muffins? blueberry
16. One of your wish list items? Denali
17. Where you grew up? Belleville
18. The last thing you did? reply
19. What are you wearing? clothes
20. Favorite Gadget? anything
21. Your pet? ferrets
22. Your computer? crappy
23. Your mood? ehhh
24. Missing someone? mom
25. Your car? SPIKE
26. Something you are not wearing? belt
27. Favorite Store? dollar
28. Like someone? Sheah!!
29. Your favorite colour? pink
30. When is the last time you laughed? morning
31. Last time you cried? morning

I am tagging Hela, Nadiya, Jenni, and a new comer to the Blogosphere The Big "IF".

Last night J, my Cyster, had her baby boy..J. He was born 8lbs 1oz and 20 in. Congrats to J and N on your new arrival.

Please pray for my other Cyster, Julie. She was admitted into the hospital yesterday @ 34w2d for monitoring of possible pre-eclampsia. We are all hoping to hear from here soon.

TV, oh and I am now in the 1ww!!!

2008-08-06T09:40:00.003-04:00

If you knew me IRL, you would tell me I watch entirely too much TV. My life revolves around 8pm!! I am in mourning b/c my DVR broke this weekend and we are supposed to get a new one today...well they tried to deliver it yesterday, but DH was not home. All of my previously recorded items have been deleted….music videos, hours of X-Files, hours of an NCIS marathon, and most recently recorded practically all last season of Eureka and the season premier!! A few movies I recorded from Sci-Fi, and all my reminders. M is non-too happy as all his WWE reminders are now null and void!! He missed Saturday's Main Event b/c of it.

Tonight I get to indulge in SYTYCD--So You Think You Can Dance, which will be over soon. Then what?? It's summer time and all my delicious TV watching is on hold until September. BOOO!!!

What I can't wait to start in the Fall:

PrisonBreak(FOX-Sept 1st) ~ OMG!!!! I am in love. I have not missed an eppie since it started. Wentworth, you are hot!!!!

Bones(FOX-Sept 3rd) ~ I wonder if Bones and Booth got together would the show go kaput?? They have great chemistry.

Fringe(FOX-Sept 9th) ~ New show…commercials make it seem interesting …but we all know how that can pan out.

House(FOX-Sept 16th) ~ OMG is there a doctor in the house…b/c he is more of a psycho than a doctor…but I still love him.

L&O:SVU(NBC-Sept 23rd) ~ Now don’t get me wrong there was a time when I used to be highly addicted all things L&O. But in recent years the other two have
just …slipped away.

Lipstick Jungle(NBC-Sept 24th) ~ Fairly new show …just started last season. I am willing to keep giving it a try…after all Brooke Sheilds is in it.

Grey's Anatomy(ABC-Sept 25th) ~ Come on already!!!! They are driving me nuts together, broken up, together, broken up, rinse and repeat.

Desperate Housewives(ABC-Sept 28th) ~ Do I want to be just like them…NO. Do I enjoying watching them….YES!!!!!

Dirty Sexy Money(ABC-Oct 1st) ~ I guess I didn’t have anything else to fill the slot and it just grew on me.

Private Practice(ABC-Oct 1st) ~ I am so hoping this show picks up. I think Addison is great, but hope she didn’t mess things up by going solo.

Cold Case(CBS-Sundays) ~ Is this coming back for a new season?? I guess CBS just doesn’t post the premier dates LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!

CSI: Miami(CBS-Mondays) ~ I only used to watch CSI, barely watched CSI:NY and NEVER watched CSI: Miami…until one day I fell in love with a red head, there’s no turning back.

NCIS(NBC-Tuesdays) ~ Abby is one of my favorite characters on TV. I did not see the last season b/c other things were on TV, but w/ my trusty DVR I won’t miss an eppie now.

Without A Trace(NBC-Tuesdays) ~ Have watched this show since it started. I miss a few seasons or half seasons but I catch up on reruns.

Cablewise…I am looking forward to Nip/Tuck(FX-Sundays) and Dexter(SHO-Sept 28th). Which means I will have to change my package at home since I do not have premium channels!! lol

So... I am 8DPO -- officially 1 week down, 1 week to go. Am I hopeful...yea sometimes like when my boobs really hurt. Am I devestated...yea sometimes like when my boobs don't seem to hurt as much as 5 minutes ago.