The End is here....for now.

After three rounds of injects and no BFP, I'm throwing in the towel....for now. I am taking the next two years off from even thinking about baby making to focus solely on me. I need to lose a lot of weight. My health is getting worse..swollen feet, high blood pressure, bad back, bad knee...my body is telling me no more fat! And I have to stop and listen to it for once.

I went to my regular doc on Thursday and had the most embarrassing thing happened to me. The nurse went to weigh me and well...the scale did not go high enough. I was mortified. I feel defeated. I swore I had my weight under control and if i ever wanted to I could lose the weight, but why lose it now b/c if I get pregnant I would put it back on...was my mentality. No more.

She has mentioned weight loss surgery to me more than once, but I am so afraid of dieing on the table. I am so afraid of being that 1 in 2000. But after crying and crying and crying about it, I made a plan. I am going to buy a treadmill, hopefully in the next two weeks. I am going to cut out the 4 worse foods in my life....RICE, BREAD, SUGAR, and PASTA. At least completely in the beginning to help get ride of the cravings and then introduce only whole grains afterward. I am going to try as hard to lose weight as I did to have a baby and if in 6 months I haven't had any progress or enough progress by my standards, then I am going to pursue the surgery.

I am giving myself until my 35th birthday....April 18 2013. I don't want to be a stick, but I want to be able to move, something I've never really done since I have been heavy since I started grade school. 100-150lbs is what I am shooting for. Almost 30 years of bad habits need to change over night, because tomorrow is when I start my mini goal of one week no R B S or P.

I am hoping at the end of all this I not only have a better me, but I have a baby to.

Wish me luck y'all...cuz Imma need all I can get. <3

CD 5

Well, the last cycle was a bust. My E2 is going wonky and every one panics, but my follie size doesn't coincide w/ it all....I did I=O but I had all the signs...and I keep kicking myself b/c I opted out of an IUI.

The u/s tech said I had a few left over, but the doc wants to go ahead anyway. He was going to do a straight inject cycle but i told im i only have enough for 6 days so then he said ok clomid and follistim i said well i thought we would do just clomid since i am averaging 8 days of follistim and only have 6...he said 200mg of clomid (before it was 250) and he would get me more meds ....I go back on thursday after taking the clomid. I figured if I am gonna get more free meds I am not going to fit the fact I just wanted clomid this month.

Update for JenH and others not on FB

I took a break from the last loss. I wanted to start back up in September is, but my body had other plans. I spotted for almost a month and when I finally made an appt and went in AF showed the day before. I figured we would get started but the doc wanted me to have a 'real' cycle first.

I'll post what I wrote in my discussion board so I don't miss anything b/c I would type those up right after my appts.

Wrote 11/25/10
Went to RE on Monday (CD4), he put me on 250mg of clomid days 4-8 and 150iu Follistim days 9-10 and back in Monday for u/s....

12/2
Nothing new to report....they couldn't really see my right side, but the left has 2 @ around 9mm, so keep on 150ui and go back monday. ( can't find this post, but they called me after the blood work and told me to come back in 2 days instead)

12/4
hello...just got my hcg shot iui tomorrow its weird bc they had trouble seeing on the u/s but e2 is up n lh is 34 so im surging...ohh n wooo i had ewcm a rarity for me

12/10
Went for my booster shot. Well it turns out my ovaries just felt like not cooperating when it mattered...no problem finding them today. I o'd from 4 on one side and 2 from the other (that I could see her actually measure). Timing is on my side b/c i was supposed to see the Dino doc today and my lovely doc just came in between IVFers, asked me if I had a lot of follies and grabbed my folder, made a face and said no booster, too many follies, so he Rx'd me crinone (finally) for 8 days.

12/17
12dpiui = BFN ...I really wasn't feeling it this month and only tested b/c i had to get a scan of my leg done.

12/19
AF

12/21
well.......i have cysts left over....he said we can check them next week or in two weeks i opted for two weeks so i can get drunk off my butt for NYE....this is the first time i ever had cysts left over....he said bc i dont cycle on my own if things look well in two weeks i can start then. And the best part...i am actually ok with everything

1/3/11
Went for follow up....no more left overs from last month....starting 250 clomid today then shots start on saturday and i go back on Monday.....get this...my BETA from CD 3 was 5.42....i didn't have the heart to ask if it was a chemical or possible left over from the HCG shot which I doubt..... (I started 250mg clomid again for 5 days and then 150 follistim )

1/10
I don't understand why this doc always wants to see me after just two days of injects....but of course there was nothing going on.....just little ones starting to develop ...which is ahead of last time...b/c i had nothing at all after 2 days. stayin'g on 150 and going back on thursday.

1/13
I had 12 and 13 on the right side....3 more days of shots....

1/16
I am so tired of my wacky body. So I went in on Thursday and they said come back Sunday. I had a 12 and 13 on the right. Friday morning, I had EWCM. Last night at 3AM my TMI nips were tingly and I just knew I was in the process of O'ing. I figured, I'd go in today and they would tell me I am ready to pop and tell me to take my HCG tonight. Nope, instead this tech (after doing trans vag and abdominal u/s) says I have 13/14 and something else. My nurse said there's three and I asked her how could the numbers be so low if they were 12/13 3 days ago....she said different techs different measurements. Doc said 2 more nights of follistim and then come back on Tuesday w/ my HCG. On the way to get the HCG I talked it over w/ DH and we decided no IUI b/c 1. our copays went up in the new year and 2. we just shelled out a butt load of cash on Friday to fix the car. We had success in June w/o the IUI so what the hay. So I waited to see if the doc would call me, b/c I just wasn't buying that my follies barely grew b/c my nips are tingly. And at 4pm he finally calls. E2 is 1816, P4 3.5 (so it's starting to rise) and HCG tonight at 8pm DTD next three days. I freaking knew it man. I just feel like I need to be monitored daily once afollie sprouts b/c I like go haywire or something. What also convinced me that I was ready is the last two cycles w/ follistim I need 8 days of shots and yesterday was the 8th day. Sad part, I only have about 6 days worth left. Oh and the doc said the follies were probably in the process of collapsing. So, wish me luck guys!!! lol

And that's where I am right now....eek!!! :)

Death to bloggie

It's been a while as it always turns out to be whenever I have a loss and go on a break. We started back up and this is my second cycle. I don't visit the blogosphere as I once did. I am a complete and total FACE.BOOK addict!

You can friend me, I keep all my TTC buds in the same list so when I have an update the entire world doesn't see.

http://www.facebook.com/cocolina

Send me a message and let me know who you are.

Baby dust and Sticky sprinkles to all.

Don't really have a title...

Thank you all for your kind words. I am feeling better, I can walk again and returned to work on Monday. I see the RE on Friday.

Last week I only spotted. I guess b/c I was on bed rest from the fall. But once I got to work I started bleeding, just like an AF. A wave of relief overcame me once I actually started to bleed. I already know the whole spotting for ever ordeal from my 2nd m/c and I don't want to go through that again. I just want to bleed and move on. Sorry if that sounds horrible.

After talking to DH, who finally opened up to me about the losses and why he doesn't get excited when I show him a BFP, we will take the rest of the summer off and start back again in September. The consensus from the few family and friends that know of our journey is I need to live in a bubble or go on immediate bed rest. I don't know if that would help especially that early on, but I don't know what else I can do to help me get to my take home baby. DH wants us to move to a 1st floor apartment so I don't have to worry about stairs. I just don't know.

Do I just have THE worst luck in the world, or is there seriously something wrong w/ me?

I can't believe for a minute, I was ready to throw in the towel. I was ready to say enough, BASTA! But I can't, b/c if I do, then all this would be for nothing. I am not ready to give up on the only dream I have.

?

Why?

I can't think of anything else but why.

Why me? Why again? Why did I have to go? Why did I have to drink so much water that kept me going back to the bathroom? Why was I so clumsy?

CD 2 ~ I guess...or what would have been 5w3d

I fell. I slipped on a stupid lil rug in my Sister in laws bathroom on Sunday. I slipped and fell and thought I just fucked up my knee. I lost my baby too.

20dpo aka 4w6d

Yesterday's Beta was 891. That's a 1.92 doubling time. Only issues is my P4, it went back down to 12. I am taking 500mgs of progesterone now.

I am so trying to forget that I am. It's hard when your boobs hurt like hell and every smell in the world is horrible. OMG!!! I am trying not to puke.

I am not sure if you come back after you comment and read the comments, but I wanted to thank all you ladies for showing your support. I don't get a chance to read my subscribed to blogs as much as I used to, but I want you to know that I am thinking of you too.

U/S on Tuesday. I took the day off.

17dpo aka 4w3d

My beta on 12dpo was 48 and progesterone was 11. I was already on 200mg of prometrium so they upped it to 400mg. I went back in on 16dpo and my beta was 306 and progesterone increased to 16. I go back in on 4w5d aka 19dpo. I am still scared sh*tless. I still can't let myself get excited. I want to enjoy this so so so much, but my heart won't allow me.

CD30 ~ 12dpo

This was yesterday's.....







This was today's......








Holding my breath until after the beta.

CD 23 ~ 5dpo

OK so I know I missed recording a lot.

Obviously last cycle was a bust.

This cycle I took 250mg of C.lomid from CD 4-8 went in for a scan, had nothing and then used up the last of my 500IU G.onal-F and F.ollistim combo. Went back for a scan and still had nothing dominant. I told them I didn't have any more med and the lovely nurse went in the back and came out w/ (2) 600IU Follistim boxes. I was so thankful.

That was a Monday. I went back that Thursday and 8 follies on one side 9 on the other but nothing over 12mm. My E2 was at 2000 and LH was at 24 so they told me to only take 75IU Thursday and nothing Friday and go back Saturday for a scan. Stupid me didn't think they would call so I missed the VM and actually took 150IU on Thursday.

Saturday....
lining 11.1
R ~ 14, 13(2), 12, 10(2)
L ~ 13(2), 12, 11, 10(2), 9

E2 ~ 3643
P4 ~ 5.84
LH ~ 35.7

I was supposed to just do 50 and 50 over the weekend and go back on Monday. But this time I paid attention for the VM. My high LH on Thursday was indicative of a true surge not a PCOS fluke. So I had to rely on BDing instead of IUI b/c I was going to O that night. I was upset w/ that b/c my CM is acid and likes to kills DHs lovely lil sperms. But what could I do, no time for p.reseed.

And, I did O that night. Just like he said I would. I woke up Sunday morning to sore boobs and TMI constipation always a sure sign of O for me.

And here I am 5 days into the dreaded 2ww. I had a dream last night that I tested @ 8dpo and got a BFP. Went for a BETA and it was 78. Weird. I would never test that early. And no, I still won't. lol

Baby dust, dbling dust, and sticky dust to the TTC world.

CD2 ~ Yep

As you can see by the title....last cycle was a BUST.

It was my expectations that it would bust b/c nothing, I mean nothing, went right.

I am thinking I O'd early b/c my LP was way shorter than it has ever been--AF arrived on the morning of 12dpiui. I had my trigger at 1030 am and didn't have my IUI until 46 hours later. I think I may have O'd the night of the trigger. So I am going to say we missed it, not PCOS did it, not my body has failed me yet again, but we missed it. That's my story and I am sticking to it.


Moving on....I am royally pissed. I feel like we wasted our one and only donated cycle. I have about 500iu left over, but what's that really going to do? Rx called in to the pharmacy. 250mg, yes two-five-oh....taken cd 4-8, which is a first for me, and I go in on CD9.

I've got homework and a sick hubby to keep me occupied for the moment....baby dust and sticky dust.

6dpiui ~ What The Eff!!

So I go to the REs, no one knows why I am there...this is all thanks to the freaking dinosaur! So They took my blood. I called them.

HCG negative, trigger is out.
P4 ~ 5.1

WTF! That's barely an ovulation. They are upping my self medicating (they didn't tell me to take it) progesterone of 200mg/day to 400mg/day.

I asked her if the low P4 means I didn't ovulate, she swears it doesn't mean that...but who knows.

I am bummed.

3dpiui

Nothing to report...time is just going by so slow. I have no expectations for this cycle and often find myself looking at past cycles to see what rounds of clomid seemed the best...how many days did i take it, how many mgs, how many follies as a result...etc...after all I did get 2 BFPs from clomid cycles so it's not impossible.

I have no idea what i am going to do for another 11 days!!!!

CD ~ 18 IUI

This had to be THE worst IUI I have ever had.

My regular RE was off, so we had the dinosaur doing it. He could not get the speculum in!! The first one was too thin he said, the second one not long enough, and then the light was glaring and then he couldn't see my cervix, and then he did but couldn't see the opening...i offered to cough for him b/c my regular guy usually tells me to cough. He said not necessary. He got one of those big Qtips and did something and then he was able to see the opening and this was on speculum #3. And there went 66 million soldiers!!!!!! He blamed my size! Can you believe that. 2 years going to that practice and never once did anyone ever make me feel fat or bad about being big, until today. How is it that i have had countless IUIs and PAPs and never ever ever had a problem with a doctor putting a speculum in? I stayed quiet b/c i didn't want him to try to not do the IUI ...ya know...

I had an u/s afterwards b/c i was concerned i may not O. We seen that the soldiers were in place, so at least dino did something right. And then my bigger follies were missing so,i o'd!! Wottie woot! I will start progesterone in a few days and go back next Thursday so they can see what levels are left of the trigger.

EEEEKKKK!!!!

CD 16 ~ Trigger

This happened yesterday...

Lining 9
R ~ 17,14,13,12,11,10
L~ 17,13,12,11,10(3)

We triggered.

Tomorrow - IUI.

CD 14 ~ and away we go

Went to the RE this morning....

And we have.......

R ~ 14 (2), 11 (2) and 10 (2)
L ~ 13, 12, 10 (5)

Finally, something measurable!

E2 dropped to 517 so I'll take 150IU tonight and tomorrow night and then we go back in on Wednesday and are hoping for Friday IUI.

A few post ago I mentioned my friend C. She knows all about what we are going through and has been there for me. She is always positive and trying to keep me calm when I start to go nuts. She is the most awesomest friend I could ask for. Well today I was describing to her what happened at my appointment and she asked me if the follies that don't ovulate will come out....when I go to the bathroom. LMAO!! She had me laughing so so so much!!!! Gotta love her!

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to those who are already moms, moms to be, moms that could have been and moms in waiting!

Yesterday I had a scan. Still full of small follies. Over 5mm but under 10mm I spotted at least 5 on each side. After lowering my G.onal F to 75iu, my E2 still rose from 1700 to 2600. WTF! So yesterday no meds and today only 75 again and back in on monday.

Please pray my cycle doesn't get canceled.

CD10 ~ Waiting Waiting Waiting...

All I have is an 8mm on my left side ...all the others are too small to be considered measurable. I have to keep on w/ the 150IU and go back on Monday, unless my E2 says otherwise. All I have left is 750IU G.onal-F and 300IU F.ollistim. I just hope it's enough.

Bummed out.

UPDATE

I got a VM from the doctor's office and they said to take 75IU tonight and tomorrow and go in on Saturday instead. I have to wait until tomorrow to call and check what my E2 was since they were already closed when I got the VM. I am confused, if I only have one 8mm follie and they grow 2mm a day then it will only be 12mm on Saturday why decrease my dose?

oh and how in the world is my lining 12mm and 3 days ago it was 8.2....how did it grow so fast?

CD7 ~ Quiet Times

I went in for an u/s today. Nothing much to report. My guys are quiet. No measurable anythings anywhere. I have only had 4 days of shots.

My E2 went from 53.4 on CD3 to 133. So, It's moving. What I need to do is stop comparing everything to my Follistim cycle from Sept '08. Wow I can't believe it's been that long already.

So, I keep w/ the 150IU and go back on Thursday.

I hope there's a party going on by then.

PS. AF is still here...ty provera!