Monday, December 3, 2012

2 Months

I have two months to stop smoking. 

It's hard.  Easier during work hours, but harder at home with two other smokers. 

I ask for bupropion because I heard it can help.  I have been on it almost 2 weeks and nothing so far. 

I have two months to quit so my surgeon will proceed with the WLS.

I hope I can do this.  Two months seem so long to me.  I could probably be having the surgery in two months, instead due to another addiction I have (other than food), I have to put it on hold and get this smoking under control.  I keep telling myself tomorrow I will quit.  Tomorrow I will wake up and put a lozenge in my mouth instead of a real cigarette.  But tomorrow gets here and for one reason or another I said I can't stop today, I need to spoke.

I had been spotting from October 21st until November 18th.  Started a heavy AF on November 19th that lasted until last night, December 2nd.  Forty - three days of some type of bleeding.  Made me feel like I was going crazy.  Made me feel like I was totally broken.  First no AF since August so I was broke in the fact that I couldn't get an AF and then I broke b/c I couldn't get rid of her.  A great reason to keep smoking aka excuse #1.

PCOS doc wants to do D&C, I had one for a m/c but it was like on the spot in the office, not in a hospital with anesteisia and such.  Stress stress stress for fear of the unknown.  An even better reason to keep smoking aka excuse #2.  (I actually had a hysteroscopy and D&C, no polyps nice uterus not have to wait for pathology on D&C this was thanks to my 'dysfunctional uterine bleeding')

A few weeks ago someone double parked next to my car and must have banged my driver side door b/c it wouldn't open.  DH was finally able to fix it on Saturday.  We go to do laundry on Sunday and when we get back in the car after loading the machines.  Shakey shakey shakey putt putt putt OMG!!!  What now?  I had to be at my appointment at 7am.  Will the car even make it?  More and more stress and more and more reasons to not stop smoking yet aka excuse #3.  (We made it to the appointment and back and DH fixed the car, it was the ignition coil something or other)

I am tired of making excuses to keep smoking, but I have no self control.  I want this surgery and I know I have to stop so I can get it, but my brain is so freaking stubborn, thanks to my lovely Aries (on the cusp of Taurus) sign.

Last week when I went to the WLS consult I asked which surgery he would do.  He said which one do I want.  I didn't know at the time but after lots of research and lots of info on, I think the Duodenal Switch is best for me.  It has like a 98% resolution for diabetes.  That is awesome!  All WLS have the potential of regain if you do not use your tool the way your supposed to, but there are so many success stories of those that regain being able to get back on track and their DS still working for them 5, 8 and even 10 years out.  Not like I want to use it as a free pass to get fat again, but we all know I need WLS to try to have get a take home baby.  And it's nice to know I will have a tool that will help me lose the baby weight if and when that happens.   


AnotherDreamer said...

You can stop smoking. You can do this. I know it's hard. I don't know what it's like having in home smokers, being around smokers occasionally was hard on me but my husband has always been a non-smoker... but with some will power you can do this. Do you think they would be willing to join you in quitting as a power pact? If not, maybe try to set up some guidelines, like they don't smoke around you, as a way of offering YOU support?

Regardless- I know you can do this. Will it be easy? No. But it's WORTH IT. Really. I know it's easy to say that, but after just a month of quitting I felt so much better overall- my breathing was better, my sense of smell, my feelings of fatigue, my "unwellness", no more sore throat... it really is amazing how much better you feel within weeks. I know that the immediate relief of a cigarette is hard to resist though- it's hard to focus on the long term when all you feel is the craving in the here and now.

But you want this surgery so you can be healthier- just keep reminding yourself that this is an important step. Reaffirm for yourself every day why you are doing this, and resolve to tackle it.

I know that none of this is easy though. But I believe in you. If this is something you want, I know you can do it.

Hang in there!

BigP's Heather said...

I told someone recently that I still want a cigarette every day. I quit in 2005. They (a non-addict) couldn't believe it. Addictions are strong and hard. But you are so much stronger. You can do this.
Thinking of you.

Jodi said...

You can do it hun. i know how tough you are. The D&C done in the OR is a nice way to get rid of the yucky lining in there hun, and honestly I had many of them just so I could feel half assed normal.

The surgery is a great 'tool" but remember even with the surgery it is tough. Not only with working out but watching everyone else eat all the wonderful things we can't have after all the time. Remember the most important thing is "Everything in Moderation" this is before surgery or after..

It is ok to have some "bad" foods everyonce in awhile because if you don't give in once in awhile when you finally do it, you will over do it and then kick your self for doing it. My WLS doc told me that and he is right.

We will all be here to support you hun at any time.