Friday, December 21, 2012

1 Week

I have not put a Newport to my lips in exactly one week. 

Monday the 10th, I smoked my last full cigarette.
Tuesday the 11th I started taking two puffs at a time when DH would be smoking.
Friday the 14th, I woke up and said stop BSing around and just stop smoking.

I have not had one since.  No lozenges, no patches, no nicotine gum, just regular gum.  My biggest trigger moment is when I get off of work and get into the car.  DH used to have a cigarette lit and waiting for me.  

That's the positve.

The negative.  I can't stop eating!!!!!  I can't gain weight, even though I am going to have WLS, I can't gain weight right now.

I am thinking once I get the big urges under control then perhaps the eating will stop.  

Thank you all for the encouraging words, and I have to say Stephanie, cold turkey is working so much better than lozenges.

Jodi, I am ready for my WLS journey.  I am so so so ready.  I hate that I have to wait so long for my next appointment, but should be glad that I have plenty of time to say I quit smoking and I am serious this time around.  I know it's going to be hard, and I don't expect it to be a magical cure, but a tool and nothing more. 

UGH I just want to wake up and it be the last week in January already. 

Monday, December 3, 2012

2 Months

I have two months to stop smoking. 

It's hard.  Easier during work hours, but harder at home with two other smokers. 

I ask for bupropion because I heard it can help.  I have been on it almost 2 weeks and nothing so far. 

I have two months to quit so my surgeon will proceed with the WLS.

I hope I can do this.  Two months seem so long to me.  I could probably be having the surgery in two months, instead due to another addiction I have (other than food), I have to put it on hold and get this smoking under control.  I keep telling myself tomorrow I will quit.  Tomorrow I will wake up and put a lozenge in my mouth instead of a real cigarette.  But tomorrow gets here and for one reason or another I said I can't stop today, I need to spoke.

I had been spotting from October 21st until November 18th.  Started a heavy AF on November 19th that lasted until last night, December 2nd.  Forty - three days of some type of bleeding.  Made me feel like I was going crazy.  Made me feel like I was totally broken.  First no AF since August so I was broke in the fact that I couldn't get an AF and then I broke b/c I couldn't get rid of her.  A great reason to keep smoking aka excuse #1.

PCOS doc wants to do D&C, I had one for a m/c but it was like on the spot in the office, not in a hospital with anesteisia and such.  Stress stress stress for fear of the unknown.  An even better reason to keep smoking aka excuse #2.  (I actually had a hysteroscopy and D&C, no polyps nice uterus not have to wait for pathology on D&C this was thanks to my 'dysfunctional uterine bleeding')

A few weeks ago someone double parked next to my car and must have banged my driver side door b/c it wouldn't open.  DH was finally able to fix it on Saturday.  We go to do laundry on Sunday and when we get back in the car after loading the machines.  Shakey shakey shakey putt putt putt OMG!!!  What now?  I had to be at my appointment at 7am.  Will the car even make it?  More and more stress and more and more reasons to not stop smoking yet aka excuse #3.  (We made it to the appointment and back and DH fixed the car, it was the ignition coil something or other)

I am tired of making excuses to keep smoking, but I have no self control.  I want this surgery and I know I have to stop so I can get it, but my brain is so freaking stubborn, thanks to my lovely Aries (on the cusp of Taurus) sign.

Last week when I went to the WLS consult I asked which surgery he would do.  He said which one do I want.  I didn't know at the time but after lots of research and lots of info on, I think the Duodenal Switch is best for me.  It has like a 98% resolution for diabetes.  That is awesome!  All WLS have the potential of regain if you do not use your tool the way your supposed to, but there are so many success stories of those that regain being able to get back on track and their DS still working for them 5, 8 and even 10 years out.  Not like I want to use it as a free pass to get fat again, but we all know I need WLS to try to have get a take home baby.  And it's nice to know I will have a tool that will help me lose the baby weight if and when that happens.   

Saturday, November 17, 2012

New Journey Perhaps....

After speaking to the PCOS specialist, it looks like my TTC journey is going to be on hold yet again.  I am going to pursue the Weight Loss Surgery again.  It wasn't just what she said to me but the combination of that visit and the results of my recent blood work. 

I'm scared...I don't want to die.  Yes, I know the chances are slim to none especially since it's come a long way and if you do everything you need to you will be successful, but what if I am the exception?

So yet again TTC on hold, weight loss front of the line.  I hope I can go through with it.

I have more to say, but that's for another day. 

Sunday, November 4, 2012

The Alternatives and Other Things

So as I stated, I am still on my break. I stumbled over to a PCOS forum I used to frequent, all that does is make me want to get back in the game - like ASAP. See why I had to stay away. I was looking for old friends but then remembered they all moved to FB for the most part and since I no longer have FB well there will be no reconnecting. Boo!

Anywho, what alternative do I speak of you ask? Well when I first started dieting I was on Met and vitamins and fat burners but when I stopped dieting I stopped popping pills. The hirsutism became horrible, the boils unbearable, I only had AF because of the BCPs. I went for my girlie annual in December and the B, I mean doctor who also had PCOS and infertility and miscarriages would not refill the BCPs. She would rather I suffer at the hands of Provera. Um, I don't think so. My AFs are heavy enough as it is. So I had a few refills that I didn't realize I had and used them up. My last period was sometime in August. That was until 2-3 weeks ago when the on and off spotting started and then the full 2 weeks of light flow started. Which seems to still be going on this very minute although it gave me false hope and was MIA most of the day. I keep trying to call the B but can't seem to get through, last year was my first time seeing her but I think I'll just go back to my old gynie. I don't want to call the RE and ask because he will want to see me and well if I get in his stirrups I don't think I will have enough will power to walk out of there with planning a cycle.

So whilst on said forum I decided to venture over to the Alternative Remedies section. Oh the information I found. I so forgot all that information was out there. So I did what any other TTCer in waiting would do, I made Dh drive me all around town to CVS and GNC and picked up some things.

What I'll be taking.


1 Metformin 1000mg
1 Multi Vitamin 1 a day
1 Vitamin D3 2000IU
1 Folic Acid 800mcg
1 Saw Palmetto 450mg
2 Vitex 500mg


1 Metformin 1000mg
1 Vitamin D3 2000IU
1 Fish Oil 1200mg
1 Baby Aspirin 81mg
1 Saw Palmetto 450mg

Seems like a lot to try to offset some PCOS symptoms, but it's worth the try. The only thing missing is the inositol and that's because they did not have pill form only powder. I'll be checking another store for it on Monday. Why am I doing this? Beats the heck outta me. No, really I just want to feel like I am doing something without actually doing something.

Oh while I was filling up my weekly pill container and putting my new pills away, guess what I found - 15 Clomid pills that don't expire until 2014. Where the heck did they come from?!?!?! I swear they weren't there before. Who is playing a cruel cruel joke on me???

Don't worry they will stay there, for now. I really want to see if herbs and vitamins help my PCOS.

On another note, during my break I was diagnosed with a few things. I have always been Insulin Resistant, but have now been Dx'd with Type 2 Diabetes. When the Dr took my blood with the accucheck it was in the 400s. That scared the crap outta me. She gave a monitor and I went back on Met. After going back on it I was able to get my sugar in the 200s and since I've been dieting I have it usually between 130-150 and on bad diet days 170s. Still high I know but considering it was in the 400s. The biggest sign that I had when my sugar was so high was thirst, no matter what I drank and how much I was always thirsty. And frequent urination. I was up at least 5 times a night peeing.

When I was considering WLS my blood work came back with vitamin D deficiency. They also send you for sleep study and I have sleep apnea which I never went back for. Shhh don't judge me. I have since gone back on my asthma meds. I read that PCOSers usually have vitamin D issues and also read that vitamin D can help with asthma. So I am hopeful.

My plans for the next few weeks? The lbs I lost in October were without exercise. I plan to get back on my treadmill. I plan to stick with my diet and stick with the herbs and vitamins to see if there are any improvements with my PCOS symptoms. I plan to see the specialist in a PCOS center that I just discovered in Philadelphia and see how they can help, not with TTCing but with PCOS. In my last few months of my break I want to control PCOS as much and in the best way I can so I can be 110% successful when I try again and so maybe just maybe this time I get a take home baby.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Knock Knock

Remember me?  Probably not.  :). I completely and totally abandoned the TTC world while I went on a much needed lengthy break.

This had nothing to do with those that have achieved their goal while I had not.  It was simply the only way I know I could fully commit to this break.  I had a few moments where I was able to accept being childless, I had a few moments where I wanted to TTC the very next day, but most importantly I took the time I needed.

No, I am not TTCing right now, but come April my break will be OVER!!!!

So what have I been doing you ask.  I've completed my associated degree in Business Administration this past may. Graduating Magna Cum Laude! Woo!  Now working on my Bachelors.  I was promoted from Team Lead to Business Analyst at work back in April. Another of my step children came back to live with us.  She will be 20 in January.

I lost some weight.  First 30lbs, then thought about weight loss surgery but then was just too scared to do it. I fell off the wagon, thought I gained the 30 plus another 20 lbs back, but actually only gained 5 lbs back.  Got back on the wagon October 1st and have lost another 14lbs since. I have a year end goal and then another goal I would like to reach by April.  I am less than 10lbs away from the weight I started TTCing with an RE.

Right now I am still hurting. I tried to go back to some sites I used to visit but the pain comes back.  I want to start reading blogs again but am too scared to face all the changes that could have happened in the last 2 years. I am see sawing and really don't know where I fit in or if I even want to fit in. I am still confused. Do I want to start again?  Do I want to put myself through it all again.  My heart says he'll yea!  My brain says nuh uh. I am hoping these next 6 months fly by or I just might end up driving my self nuts or ending my break earlier than I want to.

Congrats to all the mommies.  Sweet dust for all those still trying.

Keep my sanity in your thoughts please, as I make my plans for next year I keep driving myself nuts with all those dang WHAT IFs.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

The End is here....for now.

After three rounds of injects and no BFP, I'm throwing in the towel....for now. I am taking the next two years off from even thinking about baby making to focus solely on me. I need to lose a lot of weight. My health is getting worse..swollen feet, high blood pressure, bad back, bad body is telling me no more fat! And I have to stop and listen to it for once.

I went to my regular doc on Thursday and had the most embarrassing thing happened to me. The nurse went to weigh me and well...the scale did not go high enough. I was mortified. I feel defeated. I swore I had my weight under control and if i ever wanted to I could lose the weight, but why lose it now b/c if I get pregnant I would put it back on...was my mentality. No more.

She has mentioned weight loss surgery to me more than once, but I am so afraid of dieing on the table. I am so afraid of being that 1 in 2000. But after crying and crying and crying about it, I made a plan. I am going to buy a treadmill, hopefully in the next two weeks. I am going to cut out the 4 worse foods in my life....RICE, BREAD, SUGAR, and PASTA. At least completely in the beginning to help get ride of the cravings and then introduce only whole grains afterward. I am going to try as hard to lose weight as I did to have a baby and if in 6 months I haven't had any progress or enough progress by my standards, then I am going to pursue the surgery.

I am giving myself until my 35th birthday....April 18 2013. I don't want to be a stick, but I want to be able to move, something I've never really done since I have been heavy since I started grade school. 100-150lbs is what I am shooting for. Almost 30 years of bad habits need to change over night, because tomorrow is when I start my mini goal of one week no R B S or P.

I am hoping at the end of all this I not only have a better me, but I have a baby to.

Wish me luck y'all...cuz Imma need all I can get. <3

Saturday, February 5, 2011

CD 5

Well, the last cycle was a bust. My E2 is going wonky and every one panics, but my follie size doesn't coincide w/ it all....I did I=O but I had all the signs...and I keep kicking myself b/c I opted out of an IUI.

The u/s tech said I had a few left over, but the doc wants to go ahead anyway. He was going to do a straight inject cycle but i told im i only have enough for 6 days so then he said ok clomid and follistim i said well i thought we would do just clomid since i am averaging 8 days of follistim and only have 6...he said 200mg of clomid (before it was 250) and he would get me more meds ....I go back on thursday after taking the clomid. I figured if I am gonna get more free meds I am not going to fit the fact I just wanted clomid this month.