10w0d

This post contains some TMI/graphic material...read w/ caution. This post is more for my recording of what happened.

10:00pm ~ inserted 2 cyto*tec

12:21am ~ started to bleed

1:00-3:30am ~ started passing clots and what I believed was my baby, the toilet water was full of blood so I could not see what came out.

Unable to sleep most of the night due to all the blood loss, allergies, and asthma. Took a Bena*dryl and 6 Tyle*nol.

3:30-7:30am ~ Slept on and off

7:30am ~ Used the bathroom, no clots coming out, but clotty pieces when I wiped. Fell back asleep.

8:00am ~ Woke up to loud LOUD thunder and lightening. My mother up above had the heavens crying and mourning our loss.

12:00pm ~ Arrived at my appointment. I was asked if I had started bleeding, and I said yes and that I had passed a lot. Off to the u/s room. Per u/s I passed my baby just as I thought. My lining is 14-15mm, so I will be bleeding for a while.

No need for D&E. On one hand I am relieved b/c I would have had to do it w/o anesthesia. On the other hand I am sad b/c the baby can not be sent for testing.

I was given my RhoGam shot and a lab form for RPL testing.

When AF comes I will have a hysteroscopy.

I called the lab and they said the following test are included in the panel:
Glucose
Protein
RH
ABO
ANA (antinuclear antibody)
Prolactin
Insulin
Chromosome
Lupus Anti-Coagulant
Factor V Leiden

I am very relieved to be having these test done.

All set

D&E = Tuesday.

RHoGam = ordered and paid for.

Closure = pobably never.

Numbers

6 Ovulations

April 08
June 08
July 08
Sept 08
Mar 09
April 09

3 pregnancies

May 08
Oct 08
April 09

3 losses

May 08
Oct 08
June 09

50% chance of pregnancy

100% chance of no baby

What a cloudy day.

My RE's words of encouragement...your ovaries work...your tubes work....your uterus works....the sperm works....SO WHY THE FUCK AM I HEARTBROKEN?

How could I ever find happiness in a BFP again? Is it even possible? Probably not until the kid's in college.

I prayed to God this morning while I was showering for my appointment and asked him not to take this one from me too. I guess he didn't hear me over the water. Next time I will scream...loud!!

...

No growth.

No heartbeat.

No more baby.


Choices: wait two weeks and see if it passes naturally or D&E.

I opted to wait, but keep the D&E as a possibility.

Once the m/c is over and my beta is back to 0, I will be getting RPL testing done.




All I can say is....WHY?!?!

8w2d

Baby is still there. The tech says the growth from last week to this week is adequate. It's exactly what they were looking for …6mm growth and he's appr 8mm. It took her a while to find the heart flicker, I guess between my fluffiness and the position the baby is in. She was still not able to get the BPM due to this. She did say that she was looking for the rhythm and it looks right…it's not starting and stopping, it’s a constant flicker. I am down about the 12 day difference. As the baby is measuring about 6w4/5d giving me an EDD of 1/17/10, which based on my IUI it should be 1/5/10. Also, my Betas are still wacky. At 6w6d it was 4097 and at 7w3d it was 5602. Betas are still rising. Also my P4 has gone down but he is not concerned with that…which is probably why my boobs don't hurt as much. Overall, the RE was happy w/ the progress and I seem to be the only one freaking out about the 12 days behind.



The arrow is pointing to where we seen the heart flicker again.

*****updated to add beta was 6462 up from 5602 six days ago*****

7w3d

How cruel a body I have. To make me think I would have a baby, then take it away from me, only to give it back to me.

This is what we saw on Monday....not much different from last week....



I lay in the stirups today, and for the first time i have enough courage to look at the screen, DH stayed sitting b/c I had already told him it was over until the tech said otherwise. Here's what we gots today....



It's not going to be a blighted ovum as I thought. There is 2.5mm emby in there w/ a heart flicker. The tech said he was too small to measure the BPM. I am now in u/s limbo....I go back on Thursday.

Fucking Hope, that Bitch...she snuck back in through the back door. I thought I had buried her ass!!!!


I know the odds are against me and slim, but baby bean please pull through this for mommie and papi!!!


PS...does anyone know how I can fix the u/s pics so that the whole thing will show ....i don't like the cut off!!!

7w0d

I called for yesterday's BETA...4097. Not at all where it should be...should have been way past 10,000 even if the doubling happened every 3 days. I've already prepared myself for bad news on Friday. I called the gonal-f people and have an application on it's way for a free month of meds (let me know if you want the info) for when this is all over and done with. I try so much to be happy for the other ladies in my EDD thread, but w/ each great u/s news or each twins announcement I get more depressed, more woe is me, I feel more like a failure.

3 m/c in 12 mos WTF!!!!

What am I going to do today? I am going to go home, have me a smoke and get it on with my husband while eating an uncooked ham and cheese sandwich w/ sushi on the side. Oh don't forget the rum and coke followed by an espresso to wash it all down. B/c when I try to do all the good things, shit don't work out. So maybe if i do the opposite of what I am told to do, maybe, I'll end up with a baby.

Enough of my pity party. You should know the drill...if you don't hear from me for a while, it's because I am wallowing in self pity.

6w6d

No emby so no heartbeat. Still looks like it did last Wednesday. It's over, I can feel it. I have to go back on Friday to see if anything has changed. I am not being negative...I am being realistic. I am NOT going to get my hopes up.