Tuesday, June 9, 2009


This post contains some TMI/graphic material...read w/ caution. This post is more for my recording of what happened.

10:00pm ~ inserted 2 cyto*tec

12:21am ~ started to bleed

1:00-3:30am ~ started passing clots and what I believed was my baby, the toilet water was full of blood so I could not see what came out.

Unable to sleep most of the night due to all the blood loss, allergies, and asthma. Took a Bena*dryl and 6 Tyle*nol.

3:30-7:30am ~ Slept on and off

7:30am ~ Used the bathroom, no clots coming out, but clotty pieces when I wiped. Fell back asleep.

8:00am ~ Woke up to loud LOUD thunder and lightening. My mother up above had the heavens crying and mourning our loss.

12:00pm ~ Arrived at my appointment. I was asked if I had started bleeding, and I said yes and that I had passed a lot. Off to the u/s room. Per u/s I passed my baby just as I thought. My lining is 14-15mm, so I will be bleeding for a while.

No need for D&E. On one hand I am relieved b/c I would have had to do it w/o anesthesia. On the other hand I am sad b/c the baby can not be sent for testing.

I was given my RhoGam shot and a lab form for RPL testing.

When AF comes I will have a hysteroscopy.

I called the lab and they said the following test are included in the panel:
ANA (antinuclear antibody)
Lupus Anti-Coagulant
Factor V Leiden

I am very relieved to be having these test done.

Friday, June 5, 2009

All set

D&E = Tuesday.

RHoGam = ordered and paid for.

Closure = pobably never.

Thursday, June 4, 2009


6 Ovulations

April 08
June 08
July 08
Sept 08
Mar 09
April 09

3 pregnancies

May 08
Oct 08
April 09

3 losses

May 08
Oct 08
June 09

50% chance of pregnancy

100% chance of no baby

What a cloudy day.

My RE's words of encouragement...your ovaries work...your tubes work....your uterus works....the sperm works....SO WHY THE FUCK AM I HEARTBROKEN?

How could I ever find happiness in a BFP again? Is it even possible? Probably not until the kid's in college.

I prayed to God this morning while I was showering for my appointment and asked him not to take this one from me too. I guess he didn't hear me over the water. Next time I will scream...loud!!


No growth.

No heartbeat.

No more baby.

Choices: wait two weeks and see if it passes naturally or D&E.

I opted to wait, but keep the D&E as a possibility.

Once the m/c is over and my beta is back to 0, I will be getting RPL testing done.

All I can say is....WHY?!?!

Thursday, May 28, 2009


Baby is still there. The tech says the growth from last week to this week is adequate. It's exactly what they were looking for …6mm growth and he's appr 8mm. It took her a while to find the heart flicker, I guess between my fluffiness and the position the baby is in. She was still not able to get the BPM due to this. She did say that she was looking for the rhythm and it looks right…it's not starting and stopping, it’s a constant flicker. I am down about the 12 day difference. As the baby is measuring about 6w4/5d giving me an EDD of 1/17/10, which based on my IUI it should be 1/5/10. Also, my Betas are still wacky. At 6w6d it was 4097 and at 7w3d it was 5602. Betas are still rising. Also my P4 has gone down but he is not concerned with that…which is probably why my boobs don't hurt as much. Overall, the RE was happy w/ the progress and I seem to be the only one freaking out about the 12 days behind.

8w2d heart flicker

The arrow is pointing to where we seen the heart flicker again.

*****updated to add beta was 6462 up from 5602 six days ago*****

Friday, May 22, 2009


How cruel a body I have. To make me think I would have a baby, then take it away from me, only to give it back to me.

This is what we saw on Monday....not much different from last week....


I lay in the stirups today, and for the first time i have enough courage to look at the screen, DH stayed sitting b/c I had already told him it was over until the tech said otherwise. Here's what we gots today....


It's not going to be a blighted ovum as I thought. There is 2.5mm emby in there w/ a heart flicker. The tech said he was too small to measure the BPM. I am now in u/s limbo....I go back on Thursday.

Fucking Hope, that Bitch...she snuck back in through the back door. I thought I had buried her ass!!!!

I know the odds are against me and slim, but baby bean please pull through this for mommie and papi!!!

PS...does anyone know how I can fix the u/s pics so that the whole thing will show ....i don't like the cut off!!!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


I called for yesterday's BETA...4097. Not at all where it should be...should have been way past 10,000 even if the doubling happened every 3 days. I've already prepared myself for bad news on Friday. I called the gonal-f people and have an application on it's way for a free month of meds (let me know if you want the info) for when this is all over and done with. I try so much to be happy for the other ladies in my EDD thread, but w/ each great u/s news or each twins announcement I get more depressed, more woe is me, I feel more like a failure.

3 m/c in 12 mos WTF!!!!

What am I going to do today? I am going to go home, have me a smoke and get it on with my husband while eating an uncooked ham and cheese sandwich w/ sushi on the side. Oh don't forget the rum and coke followed by an espresso to wash it all down. B/c when I try to do all the good things, shit don't work out. So maybe if i do the opposite of what I am told to do, maybe, I'll end up with a baby.

Enough of my pity party. You should know the drill...if you don't hear from me for a while, it's because I am wallowing in self pity.

Monday, May 18, 2009


No emby so no heartbeat. Still looks like it did last Wednesday. It's over, I can feel it. I have to go back on Friday to see if anything has changed. I am not being negative...I am being realistic. I am NOT going to get my hopes up.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


I jinxed myself. I just got back from the RE. You know the appointment that I was supposed to have TOMORROW!! Well my Aries impatient self decided I was going NOW. I had a dream that I was bleeding. I was so afraid to go to the bathroom this morning, but when i finally did....all clear..PHEW!!! I get to work and go to the bathroom....blood! WTF! Just when I thought I could breath just a lil. Only there when I wiped...not bright red, but not pink either. Was a lot at first, but dwindled down before I left work. Yea I called DH he said call RE and after I stopped crying I was able to give the receptionist my name and they told me to come right away.

When we first got there Nurse L comes out and says "I go to Italy and you get pregnant and it's in the right place" . I go to the back, get my blood taken, and then sit in the waiting room w/ DH. Mind you I am embarrassed b/c he did not have time to go home and change so he had dirty greasy mechanic clothes on!!! So the RE sees us in the waiting room, now this is the same guy that I hated b/c of the D&C ordeal, but redeemed himself when he let DH shoot his swimmers during our last two IUIs. He back steps and says to me and I quote "Now don't you go f*cking up this pregnancy! If you do, me and DH are going to take turns beating you up" We got a kick out of that, kinda helped ease the tension...no we were not oftended lol. So Nurse M sees me and says "what the hell last time you left w/ good news, well you'll be alright after the u/s" Yea, I was the only one not optimistic! I was the only one that just knew it was over. When I used the bathroom in the office the blood was now brownish and barely there. So in the u/s room, I couldn't look, I just looked at Dh and he looked a the screen. Then his face changed and he said there it is. Bx3 aka B-cubed is still where he's supposed to be. And he grew. RE is happy w/ the u/s. He refuses to call me w/ the BETAs, maybe that's for the best. No sex, no exercise, no heavy lifting, no vacuuming, not on bed rest, but on 'take it easy' mode. I am still scared. And there is still some brown when I wipe.

Here's BBB, and there is a yolk sac!!! Oh which now means my chances of m/c have went from 15% to 12%. This is going to be a long, paranoid, hypocondriacal 9 mos!!


Tuesday, May 12, 2009


I can't believe I have made it this far w/o any spotting. 2 more days for u/s #2. My boobs are super sore, I get killer heartburn that seems to enjoy wrecking havoc on my sleep, weirdo dreams the last two nights, occasional queasiness and smells are my worst enemy!!! Other than that I feel fine...which worries the heck outta me!

Sunday, May 10, 2009


Happy Mommie's Day to all the Mommies, Mommies-to-be, and Mommies-in-waiting.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

5w2d - rollercoaster of emotions

I had my u/s this morning and this is what we saw....

Introducing lil baby bubble bean!!!


Isn't she/he perfect. =)

So, I opted to have the RE call me w/ the BETA results today. BIG MISTAKE. I went from 668 to 1320 in 3 days, this is a doubling of 3.05 days (basically 72 hours give or take). Although every freaking website i go to says 48-72hour doubling is normal, I am still shitting bricks. Why did it slow down soooo much from 1.71 to 3.05 that double the time to make the HCG. DH is optimistic and doesn't understand why I am stressing so much about the 'numbers' as he calls them. I told the nurse when she called that by my calculations, I should have been 2000+, but she said the RE says the numbers are fine and they are looking for a 65% increase. So, do I forget I heard that number and enjoy the fact that I am preggers and finally seen somthing on the screen, or do I continue to allow the !!@#$%^ number to mess w/ my emotions???

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


That's what my mind said before my body was fully awake this morning. I started to laugh. My eyes weren't even open yet.

Tomorrow is not going to get here fast enough.

Monday, May 4, 2009

4w6d pt 2


Doubling time = 1.71 days.

Thank you Jesus!!!!

20dpiui aka 4w6d

So today is a very nerve wracking day. Not only do I have the doubling BETA thing hanging over my head, but I also started to spot at 4w6d a year ago when I got my very first BFP. Now, when I got a BFP in October, I made it past 4w6d to spot at 5w0d and again 5w5d until Dec 31st. So I have many a milestone to pass in my eyes. Today, hopefully I will pass two -- doubling Beta and a spotfree 4w6d. Thursday, hopefully I will pass the one where I never get to see anything on an u/s, even if it's the bubble...please let me see the bubble.

I am scared sh*tless. Everytime I go to the bathroom I am so afraid to look at the TP. I've been a little crampy today, but my boobs are still hurting like crazy(I've yet to stop poking at them), still getting lightheaded/dizzy, still very tired and yawning ALL day, warm to the touch, but always cold (that's never me), basically everything that was here a week ago, is here today some maybe a little stronger. Did I mention the peeing. I can not stop peeing. What it is, the size of a rice if that, so why am I peeing so dang much. I can't even temp anymore b/c I don't get enough hours sleep in a row due to waking a bazillion times to pee in the middle of the night.

So, sit with me while I await THE phone call. Anyone have a Reese's Cup?

Thursday, April 30, 2009



P4 = greater than 40 -- keep taking 100mg of prog
BETA = 133!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Holey crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok i can breath ....this might be it!!!

Follow up beta on Monday....first u/s on Thursday.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009


So here is a little more detail. On Friday I posted that i got a BFN, I also tested on Saturday and got a BFN. I thought it was really over. I tested Monday morning using a CVS blue dye test and the line was so flipping light i thought i was just seeing where the shadow of the dye was....i was also told that the blue dye tests are not as reliable. After work I went to walmart and got FRER pink dye tests. I took one as soon as I got home and boom there was a line that not only I could see, but my fellow interneters and DH.

This morning I took both the blue and pink tests....the blue was darker than it was yesterday and the pink was lighter than it was yesterday...I don't know what to think of that, I do know that if i continue to poke and touch my boobs the way i am people at work are going to think i am fondling myself!!! I am going out of town tomorrow, so I will have my BETA on Thursday.

Stick baby stick...please

Monday, April 27, 2009


So....can we all please pray for a sticky??? Pwease!!!!!

Friday, April 24, 2009


BFN....what else is new.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

CD 26

I wish I could wake up tomorrow and it be April 28th.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

CD 24


We did the IUI w/ 52M strong!!!! I have not ovulated yet, which i was afraid i did yesterday and we would be too late w/ the IUI, but the u/s shows that the follies are now irregular which means....i am about to O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I start progesterone tomorrow.

Here we go again!!!!!!

Oh and the dang u/s tech tried to kill me today. she jabbed me so hard, I spotted!!!

In other good news, I will be home to get my lovely smells from Megan!!!! WOO!!!

Monday, April 13, 2009


R ~ 28mm
L ~ 35&31mm

HOPEFULLY, IUI tomorrow. If I don't get a call back...it's on!!!!

Saturday, April 11, 2009

CD 20 & 21

CD 20

R ~ 21mm
L ~ 26 and 18mm.

My lining is 6.3, the thinnest it's every been. Usually it's double that. No explanation for why so thin.

E2 ~ 1021
LH ~ 9.**

CD 21

R ~ 26mm
L ~ 31 and 28mm

Lining ~ 9 ((woooot))

Depending on today's bloodwork, IUI tomorrow or Monday. RE said that since my e2 is that high, all 3 of my follies must have mature eggies. Come on BFP!!


No surge yet...going back on Monday.

Friday, April 3, 2009

CD 13

Well...my appointment didn't go so good. I don't have any measurable follies and I got the you need to lose weight/IVF talk. He said he would not stop treating me, but since the clomid takes so long and so much to work he thinks after a year this is what it is. Lose weight ...fine. IVF...not so fine. I will never have $10,000 just lying around to put into a cycle that may or may not work. My insurance does not cover IVF or injectables. I am taking 200mg of clomid for 7 more days and going back next Friday. I am so freaking bummed.

Thanks Megan!!!!! I love to smell pretty. (I won a give away on her blog)

Monday, March 30, 2009

CD 9

Again I have abandoned my blog. Forgive me. I am having a problem accepting that the last cycle was not a winner.

All my IF friends are turning up pregnant all over the place and as happy as I am for them, I am so sad for me. I don't feel guilty for being sad. We all go through it. Some admit it and others just keep it to themselves.

RE said 200mg of clomid CD 5-9...I said 200mg CD 5&6 and 250mgs CD 7-11....since I had enough left over to do that. First follie scan is on Friday. Can't wait.

Saturday, March 21, 2009


Nope, didn't test today. Glad I didn't. A little while ago....spotting. I am ok. I had my cry the other day. There's always next month. April will be 1 year w/ my RE. April will be my 31st birthday.

I'll call the RE on Monday and see what the plan for next cycle is. I think I'll ask for Femara. I've only had it once as a second treatment during a failed clomid cycle.

Maybe my eggs were over matured ...they were kinda big and it was kinda late in the cycle. I'd rather have AF than another failed pregnancy.

Thank you all for your support and optimism. It kept my head afloat.

Friday, March 20, 2009


BFN!!! Do you see a pattern?

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Monday, March 16, 2009


1ww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and dying to test!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009


And already going nuts w/ phantom symptoms.

IUI day ~ Constipated

1dpiui ~ Constipated, burning nips, started prometrium in the PM

2dpiui ~ Semi-constipated, burning nips, nausea in the pm w/ watery mouth, felt
like i was going to puke - thought I had food poisoning

3dpiui ~ Loads of Creamy white thick CM ...like leaking out or something lol

The only thing I am worried about is that my boobs don't hurt. Of the 4 cycles I previously O'd in, I always got sore boobs as soon as I O'd. And even after starting the prometrium...no sore boobs....what gives....I'd rather have the sore boobs than the constipation...that's for sure.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

CD 28

Riddle me this...

What do you get when you have 3 released eggies and 80+ million soldiers going to war?!?!?!

Hopefully a STICKY BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Our regular RE did not do the IUI today, the RE that did the traumatizing D&C did. He did; however, redeem himself. He was AWESOME!!! He swooped in and told DH to come over and look at my cervix. DH said it was a hole w/some white mucous. He then told DH that he is going to put the tube through my cervix and I would feel a cramp, which I did. He then told DH to push his guys in....maybe that would be the trick for this time. DH was loving being a part of it all...and of course loving hearing about his swimmers being a-plenty. He said I was going to get a scan to see if I released my eggs or not and if I did we do BD tonight and if I didn't we do another IUI tomorrow. The scan showed at least one released on the Right and both released from the Left.

Yesterday's stats were:
E2 - 1184
LH - 25.*
P4 - 2.**

2ww here we come!!!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

CD 27

Went to the RE today. Now mind you last night I was feeling things especially after DH and I BD'd...I even told him he I thought he broke my ovaries. On my right side I have ....30mm and 17mm and on my left side ....get this....38mm and 30mm!!!!!!!!!!! There was nothing there a week ago. I was concerned with the 38mm, but the RE said that he has seen them that big w/ clomid and has seen pregnancies occur. Made me feel a lil better. I got a shot of Lupron, which I thought was only for the supression of ovaries during IVF. But he said it was to make sure I release my eggs....I am still confused by that...but hey, he's the RE. He was concerned w/ my E2 last week...it was inthe 400's. I am wondering since the u/s tech has problems seeing my left side ( I had to squish down that side of my fluffy stomach) could she have missed something. Needless to say, I am soooo happy there was progression and I still have hope with this cycle.

Oh after Dr. Google and I consulted regarding triggering w/ Lupron I came across a post on SC with helpful information...here's the link that was in the post.


Sunday, March 1, 2009

CD 20

Went to the RE this morning. I am disappointed. I was feeling very strong O pains on my left side...well....all I have is 1 follie - 13mm on the Right...NOTHING on the left. WTF!!! Don't get me wrong I am so grateful for my one follie...shoot it only takes one. But I don't get what all those pings and things were on my left side...So I am taking 200mg of clomid for the next three days and going back on Saturday. I don't feel so bad about not being able to BD the last few days (he's been sick).

Thursday, February 19, 2009

CD 11

Had my HSG. Let me just say last time I had it done, I did not take anything for pain b/c I was not told to and I did not have any pain. This time I took 600mg of Ibuprofen and I had pain..aches and cramps in my cervix. There was a problem w/ my left tube, the dye did not go out of it right away, but eventually did. All clear w/ the right tube...which is the side of the ectopic. Uterus...still fine and comfy. So I asked him what I am to do next, call him on my next cycle? At first he said yes, then he asked me if I had been ovulating on my own and I said no. He then said he will give me some antibiotics b/c the dye took a minute to come out and wants to avoid any infections...and....CLOMID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOTTTTTTTT!!!! I am back in the game!!!! He Rx'd me 100mg for 7 days. I have more at home and was going to take 200mg, but then if it works he may think I need 100mg and never Rx the 200 again so I don't want to tell him I took more than he Rx'd so I will be a good girl (again) and take only the 100mgs. With this being said I was so excited that I forgot to ask about the baby aspirin. I go back for my first u/s on Sunday the 1st of March.

Monday, February 16, 2009

CD 8

I have my annual PAP today. Nothing special. AF only lasted 5 days, usually she sticks around for 7 days. I am not complaining after bleeding for so long and she was gone in time for some VDay lovin'.

HSG in T minus 3 days.

Friday, February 13, 2009


I had a dream last night that I was pregnant only in my dream I did not know until I actually delivered. Which my Supervisor at work delivered the baby. DH was in the next room ( we did it at home) and I just knew it was a boy (all my readings say boy) but when they pulled the baby out it did not cry and i was so worried but they gave it to me and it was a little girl. I was so happy. and she was breathing and everything, she just didn't let out that cry that tells you all is well...she even nursed. I called DH and told DH to meet Chelsea (the name he picked out for a girl). OMG!!! I can't believe I had this dream.

Thursday, February 12, 2009


So AF did show up!!! 5 weeks after I stopped bleeding. I am not completely and totally broke....wooo!!!!

I called my RE on monday and my HSG is set for Feb 19th (one week away). I was very tempted to take some clomid this cycle...just to see ...ya know...but I didn't. I am going to be a good girl and wait like I should.

I have also started taking my baby asprin.

Not much more going on....

Happy Valentine's Day!!!!!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Happy 2009!!!!!

Don't shoot me for missing. Don't shoot me for not reading and keeping up w/ your blogs. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. I hope to get back in routine as soon as I get a new computer at home.

Last I left, I was still waiting for my beta to go down and my bleeding to stop.

Dec 14 HCG - 60
Dec 21 HCG - 31.2
Dec 31 Bleeding stops
Jan 2 HCG - 4.2 (anything under 5 is considered negativoooooooooooo)


The instructions that were left for me....avoid conception until I have my HSG (in about 2 mos). WTH!!! Avoid conception...hmmmmm....last I checked I didn't conceive...not w/o help anyway. I just laughed.

I am going to enjoy the next few months away from doctors, needles, and u/s probes.