Mission - Seduce M : Failed

Well....M seemed fine when I got home from work. I thought YAY!!! BDing for me tonight. Boy was I wrong. I went to wash some dishes later on and when I went back to the bedroom he was sleeping. UGHHHHHHH!!! Can we say FRUSTRATION!

So, I am still in the 2ww and 2DPO if we go by my temps, but my OPK is still +++. Thank you body, thank you for being so confusing.



The other day I mentioned how I was reading a blog starting from the beginning. The blog I have been reading is A Little Pregnant. Her story is amazing and although she may feel like she is not strong going through all she has, I want her and everyone else to know how brave and strong she really is. I am getting close to the end. I reading the end of 2007. I can't wait to see what she is up to now. I refuse to read any post she makes until I am caught up. I don't want to spoil her story. She is an excellent writer and I told M she should be writing a book.

The first few blogs I found, the author's no longer post which upset me. I don't like to be left hanging, but I know things happen and sometimes you just can't keep updating.

I never realized how addicting this blog stuffs can be.

IUI: Mission Aborted

M woke w/ a headache and stomach ache. No IUI for me. We did BD last night and hopefully he will be up to it tonight.

Thank you ladies for all your warm wishes.

I feel so guilty for thinking the way I am. One minute I feel bad that he is sick and the other minute I am wanting to cry b/c there was no IUI. Now, we only do IUI b/c my PCT showed dead swimmers not b/c DH has any issues or anything like that. I hope the pre.seed was enough. I am sad, but I will get over it.

>sigh<

YESSSSSSSSS!!!

Tomorrow morning @ 10am I will be doing an IUI.

I hope it's not too late. Should I BD when I get home from work ...just in case?? M has no spermy issues.

Why....

Why must my body deceive me?? I am 110% sure I am surging. The SMU OPK is a blazing +++!!! I won't be able to make it until 3pm tomorrow and that is too late in the day. I am frantically thinking of how I can get there tomorrow earlier. UGH!!! Why body why must you deceive me ...first you make the doctors think we have a busted cycle b/c you don't want to grow and then as soon as we leave what do you do??? YOU GROW!!!!

CD 25 Confuzzeled

Ok, so my body lied to me. You know how I know...I got a darker OPK this morning. It was as almost as dark as the control line and I compared it to my April cycle (b/c I used to same brand then) and it looks just like my CD21 which means tomorrow's should be darker yet, as I got a blazing +++ on CD22 of that cycle. I usually get +++ for about 2 days. I won't call the RE until I am 100% sure this is a positive and not a fluke. So you know what that means....POAS all day long!!!! And try the natural way. Although, due to CM issues, I don't think that will do us much good, but I do have one bottle of Pre.Seed left so hopefully that will do the trick.

On another front. I just need to say what an amazing resource Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters blog is. So many times I Goo.gled IF related stuffs and I always ended up at her site. Not only does she have a list of just about every IF Diagnosis, treatment, and medication, but she also has a directory of just about every IF Blog out there ~ for every possible situation. The owner of this blog has other blogs and yesterday I came across the Lost and Found and Connections Abound blog, thanks to directions from those who have left me comments. It's great. It's like a little summary of the happenings, who's got a Bday, anniversary, who is cycling, getting scans, in the 2ww...ect. It's wonderful and if you have not been there, I strongly suggest checking it out.

I have ferrets. Have I told you guys that? 5 of them to be exact. I am head over heals in love with them.

Here take a look:


From L to R we have Sonic aka Monkey (he climbs on everything), Mimzy (our only girl) and Crash (he bumps into everything).


This is Yonk-Yonk pka Bianca until we found out SHE was a HE.


Our newest edition to family is Yoshi he is the one curled upside down.

These are my babies. I can not tell you how much I love them. How watching them run around and play not only lights up my life but that of M and J.

CD 24 O.o

Howdy folks!!! If you ask me, I O'd on Saturday. But I am bias...sooooo. Tender breast. Check. Ovulation pain. Check. Temp rise. Check. Preseed. Check. BDing. Check. Now let's see how long the rise last. If it plummets tomorrow everything I am feeling is in my imagination. And I will be bummed.

Now I need to know folks...if someone posts a comment and I want to respond do I do it w/ another comment or in my next post?? What is proper Blog Etiquette (B/E)?!?

DH (we'll call him M) and I had a relaxing weekend of TV. WOOO!!!! No one called. No one came over. No one interrupted. DSS (we'll call him J) was out spending his summer paycheck with his girlfriend. AAHHHH Relaxing. And while M watched countless hours of Sharks...(I believe it's shark week on some channel or another), I read and read and read the back story on a blog. See this is where B/E comes into play. Do I tell you which blog I was reading?? Do I not?? Is it ok??? Do I need permission from the author to list her blog??

What is L & F?? I gather it means Lost and Found?!?!??

Some have commented on the Article I posted. I am not saying it's wrong or right. I am saying if she's 70 and I am 30 ...I CAN DO IT!!!

My supervisor is on vacation all week. What a relaxing work week we will all have!!! And I can spend my time reading blogs! SHHHH!

Um..yeah...

Ok, us IFers know Louise Brown was the first IVF baby. But did you all see this...

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25837220/

CD eHHH Who Cares....

Thank you to all the commenters. I appreciate your words of encouragement and have added you all to my Goo*gle Reader. I hope to read your stories from the beginning.

So I did a Goo*gle search on Clo*mid Resist*ance and....came out with ....Dexa*methasome in use w/ Clo*mid Resist*ance.

A few links if you will...

IngentaConnect Infertility. Low-dose dexameth...

Investigation On The Effects Of Bromocriptine...

Adjunctive use of dexamethasome in Clomid res...

Clomiphene citrate and dexamethazone in treat...

So, I called my REs office to speak to the nice Nurse I saw yesterday. Of course she is the only one in the office today, so I will try back later in the afternoon.

You see, I can't afford injectibles. And although I work for the insurance company, the HMO plan I have does not cover IVF and injectibles. So it's oral meds and then the 900iu of donated Folli*stim and then I'm SOL! So, if I can convince them to try a round of the Clo*mid and DEX, that buys me another month w/o those lovely injectibles. I may even beg for a higher dos of Fem*ara at least once. Am I wasting my time?? Should I just hop on the injects wagon and hope for the best?? I would have no problem if I knew I would get more injects if it failed.

A lovely and thoughtful Cyster has a friend that may still have some left over Brav*elle, so I will also discuss that when I call the nurse back.

Eureka!! I found out how to get my prev temp back from my new thermometer. I just hold the button down and my current temp flashes and then the first ever temp flashes. I am so happy. I am thinking of temping...you know from down yonder next round...so please if you have any advise or experience do share.

I have decided to turn the A/C as low as I can stand in hopes that I will not have all these extremely low temps. Sheesh my chart looked like a set of stairs.

Will update late w/ the convo I have w/ the nurse.

PS. If you have tried DEX - do tell.

CD BUST aka CD 20

BUSTED!!! The word for this cycle. My follie is only 13mm (it should have been 20-21mm). My lining doubled from 6.6mm to 13mm. Is that why my AFs are so heavy and long?? The nurse told me to wait for AF and call for a CD2-4 scan to start injectibles. I have been fighting back tears since we left. But crying will not make it better. I asked her if I should even still do the OPKS…you know just in case…she said yes and if I get a surge to call for IUI. >sigh<

I will go put my head in an oven now....

This is for Jenni...my current chart. I am sorry, I don't know how to make your name a URL so people can link to it...nor do I know how to write chart and make the word chart my chart...lol...anyone know??? Never mind I did it ...I think...WOOOT!!!! Nope I tried it an my chart is only showing my ticker...hmmm...ok got it!!!!! YAY!!

CD 18

What is going on w/ my temps???? I don't get it ...they have been sloping downwards since the beginning of the cycle. Is it the A/C??? But I had the A/C on last cycle and this did not happen, I still had my roller coaster temps. I am so frustrated. I even bought a new thermometer and nothing same crap. And the new one doesn't even save the temp. It's supposed to but it's stuck on the very first temp I had. At least it beeps my other one didn't beep anymore. I don't know what to think anymore. Hurry up Thursday!!

CD 17

Nothing to report. Just trying to rush the week so I can see what my lovies are doing.

>sigh<

I learned how to subscribe to other blogs via google reader and bloglines. I hope atleast one of these works on my at home computer (read: crappy lappy). Unfortunately I can't even log on to blogger on that thing. I can't wait until I can get a new one!!!

The IF blogging world seems to be a very close knit family. I am just too shy to go up an introduce myself....

CD14 Grow Follies Grow!!!!

Stats:
R Ovary: Quiet...WTF this is not a library.
L Ovary: 9mm
Lining : 6.6mm

All in all not bad not good. I wanted to have multiple juicy follies, but I will settle w/ my one. Because...ONE IS BETTER THAN NONE. For 2 cycles I have had no follies on my initial scan and have had to do another round of meds. I will not have to move to injectibles just yet....woooot!! So I go back on Thursday CD 20 and hopefully (using the 1-2mm/day growing method) my follie will be about 20-21mm ...HOPEFULLY..

Well...it's back to work I go.

CD13

I fixed my charts. I just added the links instead. So CD13 today. Loads of O pain yesterday and today. I had what I thought to be O pains last month and well...there was nothing there. I just couldnt understand it. So I hope my body is not playing tricks on me again. Shoot w/ 7 days of 200mgs of Clomid SOMETHING better be going on in there!!!!

My life revolves around TTCing. It's all I think about Morning, Noon, and Night. I try to focus on other things, but it's virtually impossible. I know it's bad. I know I need another outlet. I just have yet to find it.

On another note tomorrow is my (well i guess it isn't another note b/c it's the same topic...TTCing) follie scan is tomorrow. HURRY and get here already.

I watched Jon and Kate plus 8 for the first time yesterday. I dunno what to think of them yet. There is just something about the both of them that gets me. When I know...you'll know.

So anything interesting out there in blogland....anyone even listening??

Um....Yuk!

If anyone can tell me how I can get my charts to not be half off the screen please do so.

TIA

AHH...yes, it does continue...The NOW

So, last I left off (hey i did tell you it was a long story didn't I), I was getting guts to go back to the doctor...ohhh right...

So, in December 2007, I reactivated my FF.com account, went on a treasure hunt for my BBT and ordered some Fertilaid. And got an at home SA kit. I have always kept track of my AF...nothing else...but AF and BDing was always written on my calendar.

So here is what my Fertilaid cycle looked like...

Yea, not much to see, I didn't want to start temping in the middle of my cycle so I was .

But did you see that patch of Creamy CM...OMG I remember that day. I thought to myself...THIS had never happened before and everyone in the 'Cyster' community told me to get to the BDing. And the spotting began. Why O Why...

**I interrupt this post for the following side note: When I started seeing an RE in 2006, DH was adament that he did not need a SA and that I was basically on my own in doing this b/c it would happen when it was meant to happen. At this point I felt helpless and just decided to at least do what I can on my end. After a rough 2007 in the marriage area, DH finally understood the importance of TTCing, AND his role. Needless to say, he is very much involved in it now. **

Ok, that's fine. AF showed up...it's the first month. Now I can temp and see what's going on. I am still waiting for my OB/GYN appointment at the end of the month so I can get my RX for Clomid and Met. So in the mean time....I tried a Soy cycle... but, I didn't know you could not take it with certain herbs that were in Fertiliad. Well after much tweaking I got some cross hairs. Yes, I am not only a chart stalker but a chart tweaker!! Oh, and I did get what looked like a postive OPK which also aided in my conclusion that some type of O happened.

As I had hoped for I got my RX from the OB/GYN so it could hold me over until my March appointment w/ the RE.

So I took my measley 50mgs during a clomid cycle knowing that it really wasn't going to do a gosh darn thing. Yea, there probably wasn't really an O in there but shoot I told you I was a tweaker.

I then heard about taking soy and clomid (on different days...). During this cycle I got to see the RE for my consult. I was on day 8 of AF bleeding so no u/s for me. I told him about my endlessing before AF spotting and he told me I could be Oing but weakly and the prometrium should help ward off the spotting. Now if it were for the prometrium, I would probably not see such a wonder O on this chart. But (someone at work just interrupted me and I lost my train of thought...) I remember now...3 hours later....since prometrium/progesterone causes your temp to rise, it's possible this O was faux. Oh, and I redid my 2 hour GTT and was going to my BP b/c I was now considered pre-diabetic ...my number was 10 points higher than the normal. And that was while taking 1000mg of Met.

Anywho...so the RE tells me to take 100mg of clomid and call for u/s ...I call and find out I will NOT be seeing Dr. Español...he is only for consults. I now have an appointment at another location. Not convient for me as the other was down the street from where I worked. So DH and I did a test run to this location to make sure we could get there on a Friday afternoon. Ok, not too bad. I went in on CD12 and everyone was wonderful. I was so excited. So I met the doctor and he said I did not have any follies yet and he was going to give me a second course of clomid 200mg from CD 12-16 and I was to go back on CD21 for u/s and bw. So I took em. And I felt O pains starting on the 4th day of the pill. When I went in on CD21 ...HOLY SMOKES!!!! 2 follies 24 and 26mm, one on each side BOTH my ovaries work!!!! OMG I can make eggies holy crap holy crap!! This was so exciting. I was called that afternoon and told my LH was 20.4 I was ready to O. I was scheduled for back to back IUIs on CD22 @ 1pm and 23 @ 10 am. ON CD 22 I got to see my follies had grown to 30 and 31mm. On CD23 u/s after the IUI showed that I no longer had follies. My eggies have been released!!.. Oh and DH had excellent numbers. So the dreaded 2ww began. My boobs started hurting the night of my second IUI. That's how I knew I truly did O. As prometrium/provera both cause my boobs to ache. I knew my natural progesterone rose. So, I ignored all the classic signs and symptoms. Sleepiness, frequent urination...loads of CM, heartburn from chewing pepermint gum. I was ready for this not to work...I tested at 10dpiui and got a BFN. I was devestated, but my 'Cysters' cheered me on and told me that it could have been early. So, I waited. I waited until 14dpiui and I tested on a digital using afternoon urine and.... Now, that's not my picture. My picture is too blurry. But you get my point.

10 years....10 long heart breaking years and I finally get the almighty BFP. I am not worthy!! I am not worthy!!! I could not believe it.

I called the REs and told them of my great news. But also, I have a concern my boobs don't hurt as much and she said not to worry as long as I wasnt spotting bright red and cramping I would be ok.

So went in for my BETA on 16dpiui and it was 39 w/ P4 of 11.9. OK, so maybe I implanted late. I also went on 100mg of prometrium b/c Dr. O didn't think I would need it after the IUIs he said clomid should fix the problems I was having...but being that I was one point under what they were looking for I asked for it anyway. Better to be safe than sorry....right?!?! We did another beta on 19dpiui and it more than doubled to 180 and P4 21!!! YES!!! Then on 20dpiui it started...the spotting...when it didn't go away I went to the ER on 21dpiui and my beta was now...66.85. I am losing my lil goya bean. How could this be? 23dpiui I went to the REs and my beta had only gone down to 59. I stopped taking the prometrium and the spotting stopped. On 26dpiui the cramping started...like contractions...why ...why would my body put me through labor pains when I was losing my baby. That is so CRUEL. 27dpiui the bleeding started. BFP chart.

29DPIUI AKA CD 3 my beta was 0. I was given the OK to start right away b/c all my levels were back to normal. Also being able to start right away aided in my healing...that was just me. I know some need to wait and get over it. But if I stayed idle I would have wallowed in self pity.

Round 2 w/ the RE.

I did 200mgs of Clomid CD 5-9 and on CD 17 I had no follies. So into the office for a talk. We are to try Femara (really bad hot flashes) 5mg for 7 days -- CD 17-23 and come back in a week. Which is CD24 ...one day after my last pill. So I went back a week later and still nothing really...some small follies he said. And agreed it could just be early. Come back in another week. Dr. O also mentioned that it may be time to go on injectibles as I am appearing to be clomid resistant. OMG! My insurance does not cover that. I can not afford hundreds of $$s in meds. I am SOL! Aww the sweet doc had some donated follistim and a pen. He gave me 900iu of Follistim and told me to hold it it is now mine. They are to also check their other office to see if they have more. (Yea I have been going back and forth between 3 different offices for this lovely Dr. O) So CD31 YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS 19mm follie on the right side...I was so elated. I can still make eggies I am not broken. Got my called that afternoon that my LH was 16.8. CD 32 I got a +++OPK and CD33 another...I had my IUI @ 7:30 am and the u/s afterwards showed my egg had relaeased. Doc said if it didn't work we would try clomid for 7 days and femara as a back up w/ some injections thrown in. WOOOOT!!! 2ww AGAIN. Being the POAS addict I am...I tested from 9dpiui until 14dpiui all BFNs. DISAPPOINTMENT. AF :::nasty witch::: showed up exactly on 14dpiui in the afternoon. Well, atleast we know I O'd. Even if I didn't catch that eggie. And I had a feeling I didn't...my boobs didn't hurt that time like they did the last. Maybe my progesterone didnt rise enough for support implantation. Clomid/Femara Chart.

So that leads me to today.

Round 3 w/ the RE

I called on CD3 to tell them that AF arrived and that I needed my clomid to be called in. And so the nurse called me back and said she will call in 200mg from CD3-9 and to come in on CD14. Well, CD 14 is Friday. I am so nervous. I don't want to take another round of meds. I want a normal cycle. Both my monitored cycles have been very long. Remember I said my AF has not shown later than CD 35...until lately...I mean great I am Oing ...but we have to find a way to get me to O earlier...and this time...I am going to BEG for the prometrium after O.

So...I obsess over all the pings and twinges I feel in my abodomen. I hope it's my ovaries working overtime.

An Intro....Last 10 years....

Wow. Like so many before me I started by reading other Blogs. Endlessly. All on the same subject. Infertility (IF). Never commented though. I always started from the begining so by the time I got to the end the person was no longer posting.

My story you ask....>sigh<..it's a long one...
I used to live in New Jersey. I met my husband when I was 19 on January 18, 1998. He was 29 and already had 5 yes....1 2 3 4 5 kids from 2 previous relationships. I have always wanted kids. 10 to be exact. Don't laugh. I just wanted to be a mother. I moved in with him and four of his children September that year. We were engaged November. We did the JOP (Justice of the Peace) thing January 28, 1999. I tried to get it on our one year anniversary but was unable to. By this time we have had been 'not preventing' pregnancy since about April...if I got the calendar out I could tell you the exact date...b/c that just me.

Time went on...AF not coming when she was supposed to. HPTs only showing BFNs. Frustrations. Hurt. Pain. Anger. UGHHHHHH!!!!

I was too scared to go to the doctor. I thought it was all because of my weight. Last thing I needed was a doctor telling me I was too fat to get preggos.

We moved to Philly. All 4 children were in school now. I decided to make an appoint with an OB/GYN. Yea lotta good that did me. I told this guy I wasn't able to get pregnant. He told me he could not help me. Didn't do a PAP or anything. Told me I needed a fertility specialist. WHAT?!? I was discouraged. I called one doctor and asked how much a consult was, our insurance did not have IF coverage at that time. I was told about $300-$400, well, we really didn't have that much extra $$ hanging around. 4 kids remember.

I remember searching IF online one day and came across PCOS. I thought hey, that really sounds just like me. But stupid me didn't write any of it down. I basically forgot what it was.

Due to reasons I will not go into 3 of the 4 children went back to their mother. And after having an almost empty nest for 2 years, I knew it was time. I needed to forget my fears, I needed to find out what was wrong with me.

So I did it. I went to my GP for a physical in 2005. And she went through the normal questions ...ever been pregnant yadda yadda...and I blurted it out. I told her how we have never used protection, I have never been on BCPs and AF was irregular causing me to constantly think that month was THE month. She looked at me and said you need to get checked for PCOS. She really didn't explain it to me. She also said they may want to put me on BCPs. HELLO MCFLY....um I want a baby I don't want to not have a baby. I was upset at that thought. So when my blood work came back w/ everything being A-OK. She gave me the OK to go to an OB/GYN and insisted that I tell him I be checked for PCOS and tell him that my Thyroid was fine.

And I did. I made that first appointment. I had my first ever PAP. Not as bad as I thought it was going to be. And then we discussed it. Dr. S said all he had to do was look at me and knew I had PCOS. I have all the classic symptoms. Irregular AF. Acne on my body thankfully not my face. Obesity - yea, I am VERY fluffy. Hirtsutism - Excessive hair growth on chin and upper lip. Can I tell you that my tweezers are my secret lover...shhh don't tell DH?? Acanthosis nigricans - on thighs, under breast and under arms. Skin tags - on my neck. Oh and the grand prize...Annovulation, hence the rare AF and NO BABY!!! So that's it. There's a name to what I have. Great...if it's gotta name, it's gotta cure. Right?? Right??? WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I left w/ my RX for Clomid and Met. I was told to try it for a few months and then go back to see him.

So, yup that's what I did. 3 or 4 rounds of 50mg clomid and 850mg of Met and no monitoring what so ever. Well there was the occasional OPK. But never a positive. So I went back to him and told him and he said well, at this point that's all I can do b/c after all he is ONLY an OB/GYN. You need to see a specialist and he gave me a list of them. But...I had already been doing my own research on REs and came across Dr. M. He is known to be a top doctor for PCOS. And I made my appointment.

In January 2006, I had my HSG. I was told all was clear and my uterus looked great. OK, where's my baby?!?!?!? Why isn't he/she snuggled up in there, you know...it's being so great and all....

I had the 2 hour GTT. The results indicated I needed to be on a higher Met dosage and I went up to 850 x 2. I tolerated it well. No GI issues at all.

After AF went on a vacation we finally were ready for monitored cycles. By this time I had found a wonderful website for 'Cysters' and started to read all about what I had. It was April 2006, all I knew was that I wanted to be pregnant for my birthday the 18th. So my first follie scan showed nothing. I was scheduled to come back on my birthday for a follow up. The weekend before my mother who was already in the hospital took a turn for the worse. I didn't make it to my monitoring appointment. And 3 days later my mother passed away. I stopped everything. All of it, the met, the clomid, the monitoring. Never went back. Longed to go back...but didn't. My focus: my father...he took moms passing really really bad. He wanted to go back to Puerto Rico. And so he did.

Once I was able to focus on me again. I wondered if I should go back. But put it in the back of my mind. I just prayed every month that I would get the almighty BFP.

What's this...AF on time. N.O.W.A.Y! Yea by some miracle my cycles regulated themselves. Coming every 28-35 days and they still do. I mean sure that's not regular by the standard means of regular. But shoot if AF is visiting each month, that's regular enough for me. This was it...AF was coming when she was supposed to...I will get preggos now!!!...So I went another year of hoping, wanting, crying for, longing for ...the almighty BFP. Nada, nil, zilch, zero...nuffin.

THAT'S IT!!!!!!!!

I am taking control of this situation!!!

To be continued....