17dpo aka 4w3d

My beta on 12dpo was 48 and progesterone was 11. I was already on 200mg of prometrium so they upped it to 400mg. I went back in on 16dpo and my beta was 306 and progesterone increased to 16. I go back in on 4w5d aka 19dpo. I am still scared sh*tless. I still can't let myself get excited. I want to enjoy this so so so much, but my heart won't allow me.

CD30 ~ 12dpo

This was yesterday's.....







This was today's......








Holding my breath until after the beta.

CD 23 ~ 5dpo

OK so I know I missed recording a lot.

Obviously last cycle was a bust.

This cycle I took 250mg of C.lomid from CD 4-8 went in for a scan, had nothing and then used up the last of my 500IU G.onal-F and F.ollistim combo. Went back for a scan and still had nothing dominant. I told them I didn't have any more med and the lovely nurse went in the back and came out w/ (2) 600IU Follistim boxes. I was so thankful.

That was a Monday. I went back that Thursday and 8 follies on one side 9 on the other but nothing over 12mm. My E2 was at 2000 and LH was at 24 so they told me to only take 75IU Thursday and nothing Friday and go back Saturday for a scan. Stupid me didn't think they would call so I missed the VM and actually took 150IU on Thursday.

Saturday....
lining 11.1
R ~ 14, 13(2), 12, 10(2)
L ~ 13(2), 12, 11, 10(2), 9

E2 ~ 3643
P4 ~ 5.84
LH ~ 35.7

I was supposed to just do 50 and 50 over the weekend and go back on Monday. But this time I paid attention for the VM. My high LH on Thursday was indicative of a true surge not a PCOS fluke. So I had to rely on BDing instead of IUI b/c I was going to O that night. I was upset w/ that b/c my CM is acid and likes to kills DHs lovely lil sperms. But what could I do, no time for p.reseed.

And, I did O that night. Just like he said I would. I woke up Sunday morning to sore boobs and TMI constipation always a sure sign of O for me.

And here I am 5 days into the dreaded 2ww. I had a dream last night that I tested @ 8dpo and got a BFP. Went for a BETA and it was 78. Weird. I would never test that early. And no, I still won't. lol

Baby dust, dbling dust, and sticky dust to the TTC world.

CD2 ~ Yep

As you can see by the title....last cycle was a BUST.

It was my expectations that it would bust b/c nothing, I mean nothing, went right.

I am thinking I O'd early b/c my LP was way shorter than it has ever been--AF arrived on the morning of 12dpiui. I had my trigger at 1030 am and didn't have my IUI until 46 hours later. I think I may have O'd the night of the trigger. So I am going to say we missed it, not PCOS did it, not my body has failed me yet again, but we missed it. That's my story and I am sticking to it.


Moving on....I am royally pissed. I feel like we wasted our one and only donated cycle. I have about 500iu left over, but what's that really going to do? Rx called in to the pharmacy. 250mg, yes two-five-oh....taken cd 4-8, which is a first for me, and I go in on CD9.

I've got homework and a sick hubby to keep me occupied for the moment....baby dust and sticky dust.

6dpiui ~ What The Eff!!

So I go to the REs, no one knows why I am there...this is all thanks to the freaking dinosaur! So They took my blood. I called them.

HCG negative, trigger is out.
P4 ~ 5.1

WTF! That's barely an ovulation. They are upping my self medicating (they didn't tell me to take it) progesterone of 200mg/day to 400mg/day.

I asked her if the low P4 means I didn't ovulate, she swears it doesn't mean that...but who knows.

I am bummed.

3dpiui

Nothing to report...time is just going by so slow. I have no expectations for this cycle and often find myself looking at past cycles to see what rounds of clomid seemed the best...how many days did i take it, how many mgs, how many follies as a result...etc...after all I did get 2 BFPs from clomid cycles so it's not impossible.

I have no idea what i am going to do for another 11 days!!!!

CD ~ 18 IUI

This had to be THE worst IUI I have ever had.

My regular RE was off, so we had the dinosaur doing it. He could not get the speculum in!! The first one was too thin he said, the second one not long enough, and then the light was glaring and then he couldn't see my cervix, and then he did but couldn't see the opening...i offered to cough for him b/c my regular guy usually tells me to cough. He said not necessary. He got one of those big Qtips and did something and then he was able to see the opening and this was on speculum #3. And there went 66 million soldiers!!!!!! He blamed my size! Can you believe that. 2 years going to that practice and never once did anyone ever make me feel fat or bad about being big, until today. How is it that i have had countless IUIs and PAPs and never ever ever had a problem with a doctor putting a speculum in? I stayed quiet b/c i didn't want him to try to not do the IUI ...ya know...

I had an u/s afterwards b/c i was concerned i may not O. We seen that the soldiers were in place, so at least dino did something right. And then my bigger follies were missing so,i o'd!! Wottie woot! I will start progesterone in a few days and go back next Thursday so they can see what levels are left of the trigger.

EEEEKKKK!!!!

CD 16 ~ Trigger

This happened yesterday...

Lining 9
R ~ 17,14,13,12,11,10
L~ 17,13,12,11,10(3)

We triggered.

Tomorrow - IUI.

CD 14 ~ and away we go

Went to the RE this morning....

And we have.......

R ~ 14 (2), 11 (2) and 10 (2)
L ~ 13, 12, 10 (5)

Finally, something measurable!

E2 dropped to 517 so I'll take 150IU tonight and tomorrow night and then we go back in on Wednesday and are hoping for Friday IUI.

A few post ago I mentioned my friend C. She knows all about what we are going through and has been there for me. She is always positive and trying to keep me calm when I start to go nuts. She is the most awesomest friend I could ask for. Well today I was describing to her what happened at my appointment and she asked me if the follies that don't ovulate will come out....when I go to the bathroom. LMAO!! She had me laughing so so so much!!!! Gotta love her!

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to those who are already moms, moms to be, moms that could have been and moms in waiting!

Yesterday I had a scan. Still full of small follies. Over 5mm but under 10mm I spotted at least 5 on each side. After lowering my G.onal F to 75iu, my E2 still rose from 1700 to 2600. WTF! So yesterday no meds and today only 75 again and back in on monday.

Please pray my cycle doesn't get canceled.

CD10 ~ Waiting Waiting Waiting...

All I have is an 8mm on my left side ...all the others are too small to be considered measurable. I have to keep on w/ the 150IU and go back on Monday, unless my E2 says otherwise. All I have left is 750IU G.onal-F and 300IU F.ollistim. I just hope it's enough.

Bummed out.

UPDATE

I got a VM from the doctor's office and they said to take 75IU tonight and tomorrow and go in on Saturday instead. I have to wait until tomorrow to call and check what my E2 was since they were already closed when I got the VM. I am confused, if I only have one 8mm follie and they grow 2mm a day then it will only be 12mm on Saturday why decrease my dose?

oh and how in the world is my lining 12mm and 3 days ago it was 8.2....how did it grow so fast?

CD7 ~ Quiet Times

I went in for an u/s today. Nothing much to report. My guys are quiet. No measurable anythings anywhere. I have only had 4 days of shots.

My E2 went from 53.4 on CD3 to 133. So, It's moving. What I need to do is stop comparing everything to my Follistim cycle from Sept '08. Wow I can't believe it's been that long already.

So, I keep w/ the 150IU and go back on Thursday.

I hope there's a party going on by then.

PS. AF is still here...ty provera!

CD ~ 3 Gettin' the party started

Had my CD3 baseline today. Lining is at 8.8mm so I'll be bleeding a while, which is nothing new. All RPL testing came back negative. That's great don't get me wrong, but that still leaves the big question...why did I lose 3 babies?

I started the G.onal-F today. I'll be taking 150ui/day and go back on Monday morning bright and early. No clomid this time, no reason given just told I wont be taking it.

BUTTERFLIES galore swarming in mah belly!

CD2 ~ Can you say breakdown?

AF arrived yesterday. I am already clotting heavily. Wonder if this is the tall tell (or is it tell tall?) sign that I have some type of clotting disorder.

I called my RE to tell them it was CD1 and that I need to make an appointment for Thursday for CD3 u/s and b/w. Appointment was made. I then ask them about my G.onal F and they said the paper was faxed to the warehouse for the C.ompassionate C.are program on April 19th. But they have not received the G.onal F yet. Ok...freaking out here.

I called C.ompassionate C.are people and they said nope, no fax received or S my co-ordinator would have been notified and in turn she would have notified me. I called the REs office back and had them refax the paper. She did it while I was on the phone and said it went through. So...all yesterday afternoon and this morning I have been calling the CC program people to verify if the fax was received in the warehouse.

Now I am going nuts, I am not getting an answer so, I asked to speak with someone who is above my co-ordinator. But ....who gets on the phone...S the co-ordinator telling me how she was just about to call me. Apparently the meds were shipped and received by my REs office on April 21st. She gave me the tracking number and everything. Now, I have to call the REs office back...I was afraid that their lunch time answering service would have been turned on already, but I caught them just in time. The receptionist keeps telling me they don't have the meds, that the lady, A, who signs for things only does that she doesn't know where they go afterward and D, the lady whom my meds were attentioned to, is on vacation. So I am really panicking now.

The receptionist said she would have some one look for them again and call me back. Now, I am crying at work, at my desk, sitting in the middle of both my teams, and about to pull my hair out. I called my friend C, who I would like to tell you about and was actually going to tell you about until this whole fiasco, so I will save her story for another day. She was trying really hard to calm me down and get me to stop crying. And then the REs office calls back. They found my meds!!!!!!!!!! Yipee!!!! The very intelligent woman whom my meds were attentioned to forgot to label them with my name. Guess who's not smarter than a 5th grader. I was so relieved, I felt like 20lbs of bricks came off me.

During my hunt for G.onal F, I also called the lab I went to on April 15th. I called them b/c twice I asked my RE if the results came in and twice they told me they were pending. I want to make sure they have the results for when I go there tomorrow. Well, the lab said my REs office had access to the results since April 16th. So she was also going to fax them over. I would feel real nervous about treatment and not having the results...b/c what if something went wrong?

So, looks like I am all set for tomorrow. Holy cow!

Thank you!!!

Thanks for welcoming back into the blogosphere!

I know I have lots to catch up on with everyone, and believe me that's just what I'll be doing while I am on break from school.

Oh! Guess I should let you know what went on while I was away.

In June, we got custody of DH's youngest son R, he just turned 16 a few days ago. We are currently working on getting his youngest daughter K who will be 15 in a few weeks. In March, I started online classes for my associates in Business Admin w/ concentration in Accounting. DSS J whom has always lived with us said I am doing things backwards, career, school, kids. He turned 18 in November and will be graduating HS this June. He wants to be a lawyer.

I sort of got a promotion at work. I say sort of b/c pay wise it's lateral (no pay increase) position wise, I have more responsibilities. My title hasn't changed which I don't mind b/c I like being a 'Financial Analyst'. But my old team merged w/ the team I was under before that one and well, since I am not a 'regular' specialist it is a promotion.

Saturday was my last day of my first semester. I had 2 basic classes Math 101 and English 101. So far I have 100% in Math, I love numbers. English made me pull my hair out and gave me insomnia! So far I have a B+ in English, but am waiting for the grade on my research paper (on types of infertility treatment) for an A. I will be happy w/ the B+ don't get me wrong.

DH and I had some really rough patches after the last m/c but we are in a much better place now. He's just as ready as I am to get the part started.

Ahhhh and on the IF note, just when I was beginning to think I was still broken b/c I did not get AF 2 days after p.rovera as I normally do, I started spotting yesterday afternoon, and still spotting today. Finally needed to add a pad, so hopefully tomorrow is CD1 and I can call to set up my baseline. Wow! It just seems likes it happening so fast now. I am so flippin' nervous!!!

Back from Hiatus...I think...

I think I forgot how to use this thing.

I had to get away from any and everything TTC related. Forums, blogs, websites, my lovely friends...if I didn't and I hope ya'll can understand, I would have gone INSANE. I needed the physical and mental break of it all. I needed to not speak of it and forget that it ever existed. I NEEDED THIS!

Now, we're back in the saddle. I gave 12 tubes of blood for 20 RPL and other tests last Thursday. As of yesterday, my results are still pending. I applied and was approved for the C.ompasionate C.are program from F.ertility L.ifelines (check it out). I will get 1800IU of G.onal-F for free. I took 10 days of provera b/c my cycles have wonked out on me since I gained 20lbs since the last m/c. Now, it's a waiting game...waiting for AF to show so I can make that call for CD3 scan and b/w.

I am scared, nervous, anxious, panicking, and fell as though it's all moving so fast.

I still can't bring myself to post back on the forum I loved so much, or speak to many of my TTC friends w/ or w/o children. I feel like I have to put my swimmies on and take it slow over in the kiddie pool.

10w0d

This post contains some TMI/graphic material...read w/ caution. This post is more for my recording of what happened.

10:00pm ~ inserted 2 cyto*tec

12:21am ~ started to bleed

1:00-3:30am ~ started passing clots and what I believed was my baby, the toilet water was full of blood so I could not see what came out.

Unable to sleep most of the night due to all the blood loss, allergies, and asthma. Took a Bena*dryl and 6 Tyle*nol.

3:30-7:30am ~ Slept on and off

7:30am ~ Used the bathroom, no clots coming out, but clotty pieces when I wiped. Fell back asleep.

8:00am ~ Woke up to loud LOUD thunder and lightening. My mother up above had the heavens crying and mourning our loss.

12:00pm ~ Arrived at my appointment. I was asked if I had started bleeding, and I said yes and that I had passed a lot. Off to the u/s room. Per u/s I passed my baby just as I thought. My lining is 14-15mm, so I will be bleeding for a while.

No need for D&E. On one hand I am relieved b/c I would have had to do it w/o anesthesia. On the other hand I am sad b/c the baby can not be sent for testing.

I was given my RhoGam shot and a lab form for RPL testing.

When AF comes I will have a hysteroscopy.

I called the lab and they said the following test are included in the panel:
Glucose
Protein
RH
ABO
ANA (antinuclear antibody)
Prolactin
Insulin
Chromosome
Lupus Anti-Coagulant
Factor V Leiden

I am very relieved to be having these test done.

All set

D&E = Tuesday.

RHoGam = ordered and paid for.

Closure = pobably never.

Numbers

6 Ovulations

April 08
June 08
July 08
Sept 08
Mar 09
April 09

3 pregnancies

May 08
Oct 08
April 09

3 losses

May 08
Oct 08
June 09

50% chance of pregnancy

100% chance of no baby

What a cloudy day.

My RE's words of encouragement...your ovaries work...your tubes work....your uterus works....the sperm works....SO WHY THE FUCK AM I HEARTBROKEN?

How could I ever find happiness in a BFP again? Is it even possible? Probably not until the kid's in college.

I prayed to God this morning while I was showering for my appointment and asked him not to take this one from me too. I guess he didn't hear me over the water. Next time I will scream...loud!!

...

No growth.

No heartbeat.

No more baby.


Choices: wait two weeks and see if it passes naturally or D&E.

I opted to wait, but keep the D&E as a possibility.

Once the m/c is over and my beta is back to 0, I will be getting RPL testing done.




All I can say is....WHY?!?!