Thursday, April 29, 2010

CD ~ 3 Gettin' the party started


Had my CD3 baseline today. Lining is at 8.8mm so I'll be bleeding a while, which is nothing new. All RPL testing came back negative. That's great don't get me wrong, but that still leaves the big question...why did I lose 3 babies?

I started the G.onal-F today. I'll be taking 150ui/day and go back on Monday morning bright and early. No clomid this time, no reason given just told I wont be taking it.

BUTTERFLIES galore swarming in mah belly!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

CD2 ~ Can you say breakdown?


AF arrived yesterday. I am already clotting heavily. Wonder if this is the tall tell (or is it tell tall?) sign that I have some type of clotting disorder.

I called my RE to tell them it was CD1 and that I need to make an appointment for Thursday for CD3 u/s and b/w. Appointment was made. I then ask them about my G.onal F and they said the paper was faxed to the warehouse for the C.ompassionate C.are program on April 19th. But they have not received the G.onal F yet. Ok...freaking out here.

I called C.ompassionate C.are people and they said nope, no fax received or S my co-ordinator would have been notified and in turn she would have notified me. I called the REs office back and had them refax the paper. She did it while I was on the phone and said it went through. So...all yesterday afternoon and this morning I have been calling the CC program people to verify if the fax was received in the warehouse.

Now I am going nuts, I am not getting an answer so, I asked to speak with someone who is above my co-ordinator. But ....who gets on the phone...S the co-ordinator telling me how she was just about to call me. Apparently the meds were shipped and received by my REs office on April 21st. She gave me the tracking number and everything. Now, I have to call the REs office back...I was afraid that their lunch time answering service would have been turned on already, but I caught them just in time. The receptionist keeps telling me they don't have the meds, that the lady, A, who signs for things only does that she doesn't know where they go afterward and D, the lady whom my meds were attentioned to, is on vacation. So I am really panicking now.

The receptionist said she would have some one look for them again and call me back. Now, I am crying at work, at my desk, sitting in the middle of both my teams, and about to pull my hair out. I called my friend C, who I would like to tell you about and was actually going to tell you about until this whole fiasco, so I will save her story for another day. She was trying really hard to calm me down and get me to stop crying. And then the REs office calls back. They found my meds!!!!!!!!!! Yipee!!!! The very intelligent woman whom my meds were attentioned to forgot to label them with my name. Guess who's not smarter than a 5th grader. I was so relieved, I felt like 20lbs of bricks came off me.

During my hunt for G.onal F, I also called the lab I went to on April 15th. I called them b/c twice I asked my RE if the results came in and twice they told me they were pending. I want to make sure they have the results for when I go there tomorrow. Well, the lab said my REs office had access to the results since April 16th. So she was also going to fax them over. I would feel real nervous about treatment and not having the results...b/c what if something went wrong?

So, looks like I am all set for tomorrow. Holy cow!

Monday, April 26, 2010

Thank you!!!

Thanks for welcoming back into the blogosphere!

I know I have lots to catch up on with everyone, and believe me that's just what I'll be doing while I am on break from school.

Oh! Guess I should let you know what went on while I was away.

In June, we got custody of DH's youngest son R, he just turned 16 a few days ago. We are currently working on getting his youngest daughter K who will be 15 in a few weeks. In March, I started online classes for my associates in Business Admin w/ concentration in Accounting. DSS J whom has always lived with us said I am doing things backwards, career, school, kids. He turned 18 in November and will be graduating HS this June. He wants to be a lawyer.

I sort of got a promotion at work. I say sort of b/c pay wise it's lateral (no pay increase) position wise, I have more responsibilities. My title hasn't changed which I don't mind b/c I like being a 'Financial Analyst'. But my old team merged w/ the team I was under before that one and well, since I am not a 'regular' specialist it is a promotion.

Saturday was my last day of my first semester. I had 2 basic classes Math 101 and English 101. So far I have 100% in Math, I love numbers. English made me pull my hair out and gave me insomnia! So far I have a B+ in English, but am waiting for the grade on my research paper (on types of infertility treatment) for an A. I will be happy w/ the B+ don't get me wrong.

DH and I had some really rough patches after the last m/c but we are in a much better place now. He's just as ready as I am to get the part started.

Ahhhh and on the IF note, just when I was beginning to think I was still broken b/c I did not get AF 2 days after p.rovera as I normally do, I started spotting yesterday afternoon, and still spotting today. Finally needed to add a pad, so hopefully tomorrow is CD1 and I can call to set up my baseline. Wow! It just seems likes it happening so fast now. I am so flippin' nervous!!!

Friday, April 23, 2010

Back from Hiatus...I think...

I think I forgot how to use this thing.

I had to get away from any and everything TTC related. Forums, blogs, websites, my lovely friends...if I didn't and I hope ya'll can understand, I would have gone INSANE. I needed the physical and mental break of it all. I needed to not speak of it and forget that it ever existed. I NEEDED THIS!

Now, we're back in the saddle. I gave 12 tubes of blood for 20 RPL and other tests last Thursday. As of yesterday, my results are still pending. I applied and was approved for the C.ompasionate C.are program from F.ertility L.ifelines (check it out). I will get 1800IU of G.onal-F for free. I took 10 days of provera b/c my cycles have wonked out on me since I gained 20lbs since the last m/c. Now, it's a waiting game...waiting for AF to show so I can make that call for CD3 scan and b/w.

I am scared, nervous, anxious, panicking, and fell as though it's all moving so fast.

I still can't bring myself to post back on the forum I loved so much, or speak to many of my TTC friends w/ or w/o children. I feel like I have to put my swimmies on and take it slow over in the kiddie pool.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

10w0d

This post contains some TMI/graphic material...read w/ caution. This post is more for my recording of what happened.

10:00pm ~ inserted 2 cyto*tec

12:21am ~ started to bleed

1:00-3:30am ~ started passing clots and what I believed was my baby, the toilet water was full of blood so I could not see what came out.

Unable to sleep most of the night due to all the blood loss, allergies, and asthma. Took a Bena*dryl and 6 Tyle*nol.

3:30-7:30am ~ Slept on and off

7:30am ~ Used the bathroom, no clots coming out, but clotty pieces when I wiped. Fell back asleep.

8:00am ~ Woke up to loud LOUD thunder and lightening. My mother up above had the heavens crying and mourning our loss.

12:00pm ~ Arrived at my appointment. I was asked if I had started bleeding, and I said yes and that I had passed a lot. Off to the u/s room. Per u/s I passed my baby just as I thought. My lining is 14-15mm, so I will be bleeding for a while.

No need for D&E. On one hand I am relieved b/c I would have had to do it w/o anesthesia. On the other hand I am sad b/c the baby can not be sent for testing.

I was given my RhoGam shot and a lab form for RPL testing.

When AF comes I will have a hysteroscopy.

I called the lab and they said the following test are included in the panel:
Glucose
Protein
RH
ABO
ANA (antinuclear antibody)
Prolactin
Insulin
Chromosome
Lupus Anti-Coagulant
Factor V Leiden

I am very relieved to be having these test done.

Friday, June 5, 2009

All set

D&E = Tuesday.

RHoGam = ordered and paid for.

Closure = pobably never.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Numbers

6 Ovulations

April 08
June 08
July 08
Sept 08
Mar 09
April 09

3 pregnancies

May 08
Oct 08
April 09

3 losses

May 08
Oct 08
June 09

50% chance of pregnancy

100% chance of no baby

What a cloudy day.

My RE's words of encouragement...your ovaries work...your tubes work....your uterus works....the sperm works....SO WHY THE FUCK AM I HEARTBROKEN?

How could I ever find happiness in a BFP again? Is it even possible? Probably not until the kid's in college.

I prayed to God this morning while I was showering for my appointment and asked him not to take this one from me too. I guess he didn't hear me over the water. Next time I will scream...loud!!

...

No growth.

No heartbeat.

No more baby.


Choices: wait two weeks and see if it passes naturally or D&E.

I opted to wait, but keep the D&E as a possibility.

Once the m/c is over and my beta is back to 0, I will be getting RPL testing done.




All I can say is....WHY?!?!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

8w2d

Baby is still there. The tech says the growth from last week to this week is adequate. It's exactly what they were looking for …6mm growth and he's appr 8mm. It took her a while to find the heart flicker, I guess between my fluffiness and the position the baby is in. She was still not able to get the BPM due to this. She did say that she was looking for the rhythm and it looks right…it's not starting and stopping, it’s a constant flicker. I am down about the 12 day difference. As the baby is measuring about 6w4/5d giving me an EDD of 1/17/10, which based on my IUI it should be 1/5/10. Also, my Betas are still wacky. At 6w6d it was 4097 and at 7w3d it was 5602. Betas are still rising. Also my P4 has gone down but he is not concerned with that…which is probably why my boobs don't hurt as much. Overall, the RE was happy w/ the progress and I seem to be the only one freaking out about the 12 days behind.

8w2d heart flicker

The arrow is pointing to where we seen the heart flicker again.

*****updated to add beta was 6462 up from 5602 six days ago*****



Friday, May 22, 2009

7w3d

How cruel a body I have. To make me think I would have a baby, then take it away from me, only to give it back to me.

This is what we saw on Monday....not much different from last week....

6w6d

I lay in the stirups today, and for the first time i have enough courage to look at the screen, DH stayed sitting b/c I had already told him it was over until the tech said otherwise. Here's what we gots today....

7w3d

It's not going to be a blighted ovum as I thought. There is 2.5mm emby in there w/ a heart flicker. The tech said he was too small to measure the BPM. I am now in u/s limbo....I go back on Thursday.

Fucking Hope, that Bitch...she snuck back in through the back door. I thought I had buried her ass!!!!


I know the odds are against me and slim, but baby bean please pull through this for mommie and papi!!!


PS...does anyone know how I can fix the u/s pics so that the whole thing will show ....i don't like the cut off!!!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

7w0d

I called for yesterday's BETA...4097. Not at all where it should be...should have been way past 10,000 even if the doubling happened every 3 days. I've already prepared myself for bad news on Friday. I called the gonal-f people and have an application on it's way for a free month of meds (let me know if you want the info) for when this is all over and done with. I try so much to be happy for the other ladies in my EDD thread, but w/ each great u/s news or each twins announcement I get more depressed, more woe is me, I feel more like a failure.

3 m/c in 12 mos WTF!!!!

What am I going to do today? I am going to go home, have me a smoke and get it on with my husband while eating an uncooked ham and cheese sandwich w/ sushi on the side. Oh don't forget the rum and coke followed by an espresso to wash it all down. B/c when I try to do all the good things, shit don't work out. So maybe if i do the opposite of what I am told to do, maybe, I'll end up with a baby.

Enough of my pity party. You should know the drill...if you don't hear from me for a while, it's because I am wallowing in self pity.

Monday, May 18, 2009

6w6d

No emby so no heartbeat. Still looks like it did last Wednesday. It's over, I can feel it. I have to go back on Friday to see if anything has changed. I am not being negative...I am being realistic. I am NOT going to get my hopes up.


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

6w1d

I jinxed myself. I just got back from the RE. You know the appointment that I was supposed to have TOMORROW!! Well my Aries impatient self decided I was going NOW. I had a dream that I was bleeding. I was so afraid to go to the bathroom this morning, but when i finally did....all clear..PHEW!!! I get to work and go to the bathroom....blood! WTF! Just when I thought I could breath just a lil. Only there when I wiped...not bright red, but not pink either. Was a lot at first, but dwindled down before I left work. Yea I called DH he said call RE and after I stopped crying I was able to give the receptionist my name and they told me to come right away.

When we first got there Nurse L comes out and says "I go to Italy and you get pregnant and it's in the right place" . I go to the back, get my blood taken, and then sit in the waiting room w/ DH. Mind you I am embarrassed b/c he did not have time to go home and change so he had dirty greasy mechanic clothes on!!! So the RE sees us in the waiting room, now this is the same guy that I hated b/c of the D&C ordeal, but redeemed himself when he let DH shoot his swimmers during our last two IUIs. He back steps and says to me and I quote "Now don't you go f*cking up this pregnancy! If you do, me and DH are going to take turns beating you up" We got a kick out of that, kinda helped ease the tension...no we were not oftended lol. So Nurse M sees me and says "what the hell last time you left w/ good news, well you'll be alright after the u/s" Yea, I was the only one not optimistic! I was the only one that just knew it was over. When I used the bathroom in the office the blood was now brownish and barely there. So in the u/s room, I couldn't look, I just looked at Dh and he looked a the screen. Then his face changed and he said there it is. Bx3 aka B-cubed is still where he's supposed to be. And he grew. RE is happy w/ the u/s. He refuses to call me w/ the BETAs, maybe that's for the best. No sex, no exercise, no heavy lifting, no vacuuming, not on bed rest, but on 'take it easy' mode. I am still scared. And there is still some brown when I wipe.


Here's BBB, and there is a yolk sac!!! Oh which now means my chances of m/c have went from 15% to 12%. This is going to be a long, paranoid, hypocondriacal 9 mos!!

6w1d

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

6w

I can't believe I have made it this far w/o any spotting. 2 more days for u/s #2. My boobs are super sore, I get killer heartburn that seems to enjoy wrecking havoc on my sleep, weirdo dreams the last two nights, occasional queasiness and smells are my worst enemy!!! Other than that I feel fine...which worries the heck outta me!

Sunday, May 10, 2009

=)

Happy Mommie's Day to all the Mommies, Mommies-to-be, and Mommies-in-waiting.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

5w2d - rollercoaster of emotions

I had my u/s this morning and this is what we saw....

Introducing lil baby bubble bean!!!


5w2d




Isn't she/he perfect. =)

So, I opted to have the RE call me w/ the BETA results today. BIG MISTAKE. I went from 668 to 1320 in 3 days, this is a doubling of 3.05 days (basically 72 hours give or take). Although every freaking website i go to says 48-72hour doubling is normal, I am still shitting bricks. Why did it slow down soooo much from 1.71 to 3.05 that double the time to make the HCG. DH is optimistic and doesn't understand why I am stressing so much about the 'numbers' as he calls them. I told the nurse when she called that by my calculations, I should have been 2000+, but she said the RE says the numbers are fine and they are looking for a 65% increase. So, do I forget I heard that number and enjoy the fact that I am preggers and finally seen somthing on the screen, or do I continue to allow the !!@#$%^ number to mess w/ my emotions???

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

5w1d

That's what my mind said before my body was fully awake this morning. I started to laugh. My eyes weren't even open yet.

Tomorrow is not going to get here fast enough.

Monday, May 4, 2009

4w6d pt 2

668!!!!!!

Doubling time = 1.71 days.

Thank you Jesus!!!!

20dpiui aka 4w6d

So today is a very nerve wracking day. Not only do I have the doubling BETA thing hanging over my head, but I also started to spot at 4w6d a year ago when I got my very first BFP. Now, when I got a BFP in October, I made it past 4w6d to spot at 5w0d and again 5w5d until Dec 31st. So I have many a milestone to pass in my eyes. Today, hopefully I will pass two -- doubling Beta and a spotfree 4w6d. Thursday, hopefully I will pass the one where I never get to see anything on an u/s, even if it's the bubble...please let me see the bubble.

I am scared sh*tless. Everytime I go to the bathroom I am so afraid to look at the TP. I've been a little crampy today, but my boobs are still hurting like crazy(I've yet to stop poking at them), still getting lightheaded/dizzy, still very tired and yawning ALL day, warm to the touch, but always cold (that's never me), basically everything that was here a week ago, is here today some maybe a little stronger. Did I mention the peeing. I can not stop peeing. What it is, the size of a rice if that, so why am I peeing so dang much. I can't even temp anymore b/c I don't get enough hours sleep in a row due to waking a bazillion times to pee in the middle of the night.

So, sit with me while I await THE phone call. Anyone have a Reese's Cup?

Thursday, April 30, 2009

16dpiui

Results

P4 = greater than 40 -- keep taking 100mg of prog
BETA = 133!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Holey crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


ok i can breath ....this might be it!!!


Follow up beta on Monday....first u/s on Thursday.